SuperEgo Standup Showcase

Check me out making fun of all that is holy, The Bible and Facebook.

I performed this set as part of a SuperEgo Comedy Showcase.

More Jeremiah Standup!

Here are some clips of me working out some standup bits at open mics.  I make fun of such sacred things as The Bible, President Obama, and Facebook.

National Sketch Writing Month: The Ten Commandments

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The Ten Commandments
by Jeremiah Murphy

Moses returns from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments.  His fellow travelers are running around the valley committing golden calf worship and mischief.

MOSES
OK, OK.  Knock it off you guys.  I’ve got something important to say.

Everyone pays attention.

GARY
What’s so important?

MOSES
I got a whole new bunch of rules that we have to live by.

SHEILA:
Seriously?  After all we’ve been through?  We’ve survived this long.  I think we’re getting along fine.

GARY
Seriously, dude.  Can’t we just enjoy the day?  Why do we always have to be doing something?

MOSES
(puts one hand on his hip and glares)

Ahem.

GARY
Aw, man.

MOSES
Shoosh.  OK,  now, where are my reading glasses?  Ah, dammit.  I’ll just have to hold these stone tablets far enough away.  Rule number 1, OK, gang, God says that “You shall have no other gods before me.”

SHEILA
Why doesn’t he tell us this himself?

GARY
Seriously,  he wants our ultimate devotion so he writes us on a stone tablet that some old man with no reading glasses is supposed to read to us?

SHEILA
Is there anything really written on that thing, pops?

MOSES
Bup-Bup.  Moses is talking.  Rule number 2,  basically it says that you can’t worship any false idols or whatever that is over there.  You have to get rid of that thing.

(Moses points to the crude representation of a golden calf).

GARY
What!??  I worked all day on this.

MOSES
Please.  It looks like a couple pieces of plywood and some nails—I can’t even tell what it is.

GARY
I can’t even tell what your God is!  So far, all I got is a couple narcissistic rules.

MOSES
At least with my guy, you’re getting some good laws to start a society!  What are you getting out of that thing, beyond splinters and bed bugs?  It looks like you found it on the street.  Folks, these stone tablets are the goods! Grade A!

SHEILA
OK, Moses. What other rules are you selling?

GARY
Yeah, those first two sound awfully similar.

MOSES
As does this third one, hmmm.  OK, let me skip down to something which might grab your attention.  (Mumbles other commandments to himself until he reaches…) “Thou shalt not kill!”  Huz-ZAH!  Pretty powerful, huh?

SHEILA
What about in self defense?

MOSES
Well, I’m sure in certain situations…

GARY
What about if people are on land that you want to live on and they won’t leave?

MOSES
If you’re referring to the Canaanites…

SHEILA
What about metaphorically, like killing friendships?

MOSES
Oh, that’s fine.

GARY
What about animals?

MOSES
Don’t worry about it.

SHEILA
What about during times of war?

GARY
Yeah.

MOSES
Well, it’s actually your country doing the killing, so maybe some would interpret the killing as not done by the solider but by the nation.

GARY
Then the entire nation should be condemned for entering war.

SHEILA
What do you do to a nation that disobeys the rules?

MOSES
Nothing, it doesn’t count.  But um, check this one out gang,  “Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy!”  That’s a guaranteed day off.  How many holidays from that fat cow over there?

SHEILA
Is the Sabbath really a day off?

GARY
Yeah, you’ve made us get up pretty early in the morning for these “holidays,” pops.

SHEILA
I don’t find the Sabbath very relaxing with all those obligations and rituals.

GARY
And that bad music!

SHEILA
I’d rather just be guaranteed a day of personal freedom.

GARY
Two days.  Maybe take a short trip.

SHEILA
I could really use an escape.

MOSES
Guys, a little patience.  Where were we?

GARY
“Thou shalt not push your beliefs on your neighbor, especially if he or she has their own thing going on that isn’t hurting anyone, and as a corollary thou shall treat women and men equally.”

MOSES
Ah yes, Thou shalt not—WAIT A MINUTE!