JESUS’S TEMP by Jeremiah Murphy (OPEN ON: AN OFFICE. JESUS IS SITTING AT A DESK TALKING ON THE PHONE)
JESUS I’m sorry, Mr Davenport. What can I say? (TIMMY ENTERS, HE HAS A CAST IN HIS RIGHT FOOT) I’m sorry. I know what it says in the Bible but I’m sorry. Myself I got chronic ear infections and was circumsized without consent. I apologize for the mental image, Mr Davenport.
TIMMY Am I in the right place?
(JESUS MAKES A MOTION SIGNALLING THAT HE IS ON THE PHONE)
JESUS Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK, Peace to you too, Mr Davenport. (HANGS UP) Bum.
TIMMY I’m here from Big Time Temps. Are you Mr “Hey-Zeus?”
JESUS Yeah, I’m “Hey-Zeus.”
TIMMY Oh Good. Sorry, I’m a few minutes–
JESUS The name is Jesus, wisebutt. Perhaps you’ve heard it before? What do they teach in Sunday School these days? Mickey Mouse? I’m Jesus, baby, baby Jesus. You’re looking at the Second Coming. We’re doing it, kid! Please tell me you can mail merge in Word Perfect. I trust Microsoft like I trust the MTA. I waited forty-five minutes last night, damn N train. You’d think the Son of God could afford a little more then a two bedroom share on Ditmars. I’ve slept in tombs that are bigger.
TIMMY Um, I’m sure I can figure my way around Word Perfect, I’m familiar with most Microsoft programs, Word, Excel, PowerPoint.
JESUS What’s PowerPoint?
TIMMY It’s for presentations. You can make slide shows with it.
JESUS Cool. Jesus’s temp knows PowerPoint. How fast you type?
TIMMY Sixty-five words per minute.
JESUS You wouldn’t last a day in Rome. We got a lot of work to do. This Second Coming is very, very nasty business. Look at me. I’m a wreck. I’m supposed to spread peace throughout the world. And what do they give me? An ugly office, Windows 98, and a temp with one leg. I’m sorry, what’s your name kid?
JESUS (PHONE RINGS) Hello. What do I look like? (HANGS UP) I knew a Tim once, a cheapskate. You cheap, Tim?
TIMMY Only on dates.
JESUS My man! (HIGH-FIVES TIMMY) What do you do kid, you an actor? A stand-up? I love that Greg Proops. (JESUS IS DISTRACTED BY A PIECE OF PAPERWORK) Aye-yi-yi! I wish my dumb roommate would split the freaking cable. I cannot say how much I need my own place. He’s one of those anguished writers. (SHUDDERS)
TIMMY I’m a screenwriter.
JESUS No kidding. That’s great. Following your dreams. I’m jealous. You ever see “Brain Donors” with John Torturo?
TIMMY I’ve never heard of it.
JESUS Rent it. Now. What I’m looking for is help in making sure my message is sent out in the world. Due to my budget, I’m focussing my attention SOLELY on email forwards. They’re fast. They’re easy. They’re now. I trust that you’re familiar with Eudora.
JESUS It’s an email client, Tim, similar to Outlook–again, the Microsoft thing. Stay with me, kid. Focus. We got a millennium of peace to set up. Just you, me, and this litter box of an office. Yesterday I was sitting at the right hand of my father. The chair fit the shape of my back, kid. Look what I got now. Look at this!
TIMMY I’m sorry, Mr Jesus. But I’ve gotten a lot of those email forwards before and I have to say most peole just trash them.
Hey, hey, hey, I’m the Jesus, you’re the temp. You want your sixteen an hour or not, Tim? Doesn’t trust email forwards! Taste these chocolate chip cookies, someone paid $500 for that recipe! Neiman Marcus!
TIMMY I’m sorry, Mr Jesus.
JESUS It’s just Jesus, like “Cher” or that “Beck.”
JESUS You know him. A few rules: Rule Number One: I hear so much as ONE Simon and Garfunkel CD playing, you’re fired. And I mean fired. I spent three days in Hell, kid, and I’m not talking about Jersey City–I was in the actual Hell. Flames. Bat People. Three Days, Tim. Rule Number Two: See rule number one. Rule Number Three: See rule number two.
TIMMY I mainly listen to 80’s soundtracks.
JESUS My Man! (HIGH FIVE) Oh, if a “George W.” calls, just hang up.
TIM No problem, Jesus.
JESUS You’re good, Tim. If you stick with it maybe you’ll go perm.
JESUS Hello? Yeah, I don’t do those.