This a sketch I wrote a few years ago for a sketch writing class with Ali Farahnakian at The Peoples Improv Theater in NYC. Some of the references are a little dated…

SUBWAY
by Jeremiah Murphy

(OPEN ON: A COUPLE PUSHES A STROLLER IN A SUBWAY STATION AND HAPPENS UPON A MURAL OF FREDERICK DOUGLASS)

MOM
Look, Sarah, it’s Frederick Douglass. Oh, what a pretty painting.

DAD
Come on Sandy, enough. Babies don’t like Frederick Douglass.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
The devil you say!

MOM AND DAD
Frederick Douglass!

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
That’s right and what you said really hurts my feelings.

DAD
I’m sorry, Frederick Douglass, but Sarah is barely a year old. She likes to be spoon-fed bananas. History, Political Science… It’s not her bag.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
Do you even know who I am?

DAD
You’re a famous black man.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
And?

DAD
You escaped slavery, did the underground railroad thing, and invented peanut butter.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
Invented peanut butter? You have me mistaken with George Washington Carver. Ma’am, your husband is a nincompoop.

MOM
I’m still trying to figure out why you’re alive. You died of old age on February 20, 1895 in your home of Anacostia Heights, a suburb of Washington D.C.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
Actually, it was heart failure, my dear. It’s nice to see that someone in this subway station has gotten a fourth grade education. But to answer your question, my spirit dwells wherever my likeness is painted. I appear from time to time, admiring babies. And in turn, babies admire me, Frederick Douglass.

MOM
Oh, honey. What a special moment between our family and Frederick Douglass.

DAD
Come on, enough of the “Frederick Douglass thing.” We gotta go. Excuse us, Frederick Douglass, we’re taking Sarah to see the Museum of Natural History.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
But babies don’t like science.

NIKOLAI TESLA
The devil you say!

FREDERICK AND MOM
Nikolai Tesla!

DAD
Who?

NIKOLAI TESLA
That’s right and what you said about science really hurts my feelings.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
I’m sorry, Mr Tesla, but Sarah is barely a year old. She likes starring at pretty murals with my face painted on them. Polyphase alternating current electricity, bladeless turbines… It’s just not her bag.

NIKOLAI TESLA
Do you even know who I am?

DAD
Eugene Levy?

NIKOLAI TESLA
SCTV’s Earl Camembert? No, I am Nikolai Tesla. I am responsible for the television you watch those SCTV reruns on at 2:30 in the morning.

MOM
And I hope you won’t be bad-mouthing Thomas Edison in front of my baby.

NIKOLAI TESLA
Ma’am, you know me too well.

MOM
OK, Frederick inhabits the paintings of his likeness. What are you doing here, Nikolai Tesla?

NIKOLAI TESLA
I am in love with Helen Pitts, Frederick Douglass’s second wife.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
I don’t blame you. Sadly, she is in Heaven while I stand by the paintings.

NIKOLAI TESLA
She never visits?

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
Not as often as I would like.

NIKOLAI TESLA
Pity. Such a sexy woman. I’ll tell you one thing: I wish I married my secretary. What am I doing here? Babies don’t like chit-chat.

JAI RODRIGUEZ
The Devil you say!

FREDERICK, NIKOLAI, AND MOM
The “Queer Eye” guy who gives culture advice!

JAI RODRIGUEZ
I’m Jai Rodriguez from the Bravo and NBC TV program “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” And what you said about chit-chat really hurt my feelings. Newborns have a special need for chit-chat that when ignored—

DAD
Where’s Carson?

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
Seriously.

NIKOLAI TESLA
Carson can be such a bitch, I love him. He brings out people’s natural fashion.

JAI RODRIGUEZ
Do you even know who I am?

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
While the show is entertaining and educational, you are the weakest link. All you do is tell guys to hold their girlfriend’s hand and look into their eyes.

NIKOLAI TESLA
Totally. You shoot the bull while the home-improvement one runs his ass off knocking down walls and installing formica counter tops.

THOM FILICIA
The Devil you say!

ALL
Another ‘Queer Eye” guy!

THOM FILICIA
I’m Thom Filicia, the interior design guy on “Queer Eye.” Formica counter tops? Puh-leeze. You have me confused with Gene Roddenberry.

NIKOLAI TESLA
But he’s not an interior designer.

THOM FILICIA
Exactly.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS
I didn’t know this show was still on anymore.

DAD
I think it’s still on Bravo. Honey, let’s get out of here! The African Americans, The Gays, Nikolai Tesla… I don’t want to offend anybody else!

HENRY FORD
Leave that to me! I supported Adolph Hitler.

ALL
Henry Ford!

(BLACKOUT)