National Sketch Writing Month: Telephone Repair

It’s the first day of National Sketch Writing Month

Telephone Repair
by Jeremiah Murphy

The setting is a park bench in May.

1: Excuse me, I am here to fix your telephone.
2: Excellent.
1: It should take only a moment.
2: And to think, I always have trouble getting any service with this phone.
1: Haha.
2: Haha.
1: There’s a problem with your phone.
2: I know, that’s why you are fixing it.
1: Do you know what the problem is?
2: Nobody is calling me.
1: No, that’s a problem with you, not the phone.
2: All right, all right, you joker.
1: The problem with your phone is very serious. So, I’m going to ask you to, you know, calm down, with the comedic persona.
2: Jeez, it’s just a phone. What could be wrong?
1: It’s emitting a bizarre frequency of pulses. You may have been experiencing headaches, nausea, mild hallucinations—maybe shadow like creatures in the periphery of your vision.
2: Well, my toenails have been growing at an alarming rate.
1: That’s because you’re supposed to clip them once a week.
2: Excuse me, I’m not suffering from any of the symptoms you mentioned, so perhaps my phone is fine.
1: Perhaps I am hallucinating your saying that because I spend all my days repairing these phones and am exposed to the damaging pulses.
2: Well, you can fart in one hand and perhaps in the others and see which one gets full faster.
1: Neither one with get full, they are both intangibles.
2: If the hand is cupped in a manner, perhaps one can prevent the gas from escaping.
1: Do you fart in the same hand that you hold your phone?
2: I don’t fart in my hand.
1: Are you experiencing any other problems with your phone?
2: Just that nobody calls me.
1: I have no interest in spending my time having similar conversations over the telephone if that’s what you’re trying to insinuate.
2: Cool your jets.
1: Are we finished?
2: I guess so. You were the one in a rush to fix my phone.
1: I’m a phone repair man.
2: I work in fashion.
1: Oh yeah? What kind?
2: Interior design.
1: Get out.
2: It’s not very lucrative.
1: Oh, yeah, nobody calls you. Say, you smell that bad breath smell?
2: I thought it was you.
1: It’s the smell I get inside my head when I begin to question who I am, not at an identity level, but like at an essence level. I can always go back so far in my head. It’s a remarkable, mystical feeling, then I get a bad breath smell.
2: I’d recommend removing your Bluetooth device.
1: I thought it made me look like Lobot.
2: From Star Wars?
1: Yes. Care for an AMC Gold Ticket Movie Pass?

Knight Rider Sketch

knight_rider

Courtroom.

Michael Knight is being tried.  He’s defending himself.

Judge
So, as I understand it, Mr. Knight, you are being charged with impersonating a police officer by driving a car that has a strobing light that the state has charged mimics the rollers of a police car.

Michael
That’s absurd your honor.

Judge
Hey now, you’ll speak when asked in this court.

Michael
Oh come on.

Judge
If you are not fit to represent yourself, the court will appoint an attorney.

Michael
I don’t need an attorney.   This is ridiculous.

Judge
Have you ever practiced law before, Mr. Knight.

Michael
I work for the Foundation for Law and Government.

Judge
Is that a band?

Courtroom spectators laugh.

Judge
Order.  Order.

Michael
(into wristwatch communicator)
KITT, get me out of here.

KITT (OS)
Almost there, Michael.

The doors to the courtroom swing open (they are not broken down) as KITT enters and slowly rolls down the aisle.

KITT
I’ll be representing Mr. Knight, your honor.

Judge
What’s this?

Michael
Oh, please.  KITT, this isn’t the time.

KITT continues to roll slowly down the aisle.

Michael
How’d you make it up the stairs?

KITT
Don’t even ask.

Judge
Get that car out of my courtroom.

KITT
I’m a fully accredited attorney in the state of California.

Michael
What?  Come on, there’s not even a space for you here.

As KITT tries to do a three point turn to park next to the defense table…

KITT
I’ll be filing a lawsuit against the state regarding the accessibility of this courtroom on Monday morning, your honor.

Michael
He’s not my attorney, your honor.  Get ready to turbo-boost, KITT.

A random laser shoots out of KITT stinging Michael.

Michael
Ow! Dammit KITT!

KITT
Shush, Michael.  Your honor.  My client has no social security number, no birth certificate, no driver’s license.  He doesn’t exist. And therefore can not be held by this court.

Judge
Did you just say no driver’s license?  Operating a vehicle without a license is against the law, sir.

KITT
As an attorney, I’m well aware of the law.  But as you can see, I operate myself.

Judge
Then you should be charged with impersonating a police officer.

Prosecutor
If I could get a word in edgewise your honor…

KITT
Impersonating a police car is not a crime in California.  Furthermore, I bare no police markings, my front sensor is in no way the same shape, no does it oscillate at the same frequency as a police roller.

Judge
Case dismissed.

Michael
Couldn’t you have just busted me out of here?

KITT
Yes, but sometimes its best to let the system handle itself.

Prosecutor
Anytime you want me to chime in, your honor, be my guest.

image from http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/09/the_next_stage_in_david_hassel.html