Barack & Joe, “Self-Esteem”

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Barack & Joe, “Airforce 1″

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President Obama is sitting at his desk, busily at work.  Vice-President Biden enters.

JOE: Hey, Barack.

BARACK: Hey, Joe.

JOE: Barack, let’s take Airforce 1 for a spin.

BARACK: No, Joe.

JOE: Come on, come on.  We’ve been cooped up in this hell hole all day.

BARACK: No, Joe.

JOE:  Barack. You work too much.  I work too much.  Let’s go for a spin.  What do you say, Barack?

BARACK:  No, Joe.

JOE:  Give me the keys.

BARACK:  No, Joe.  You’ve never flown a plane.

JOE:  Excuse me, Barack, I used to fly planes all the time when I was in the Navy.  Let a veteran enjoy the few remaining years he has.

BARACK:  No, Joe.  I’m about to have a conference call with the Prime Minister of China.

JOE: Pffffftttttt. Prime Minister of China?  What is he, your boss?

BARACK:  (Stares at Joe for a moment then tosses him the keys.) I have to be back by 3pm.

In Airforce 1.  Joe turns the ignition.

JOE: Oh Barack, Listen to that engine purr.  Just like those old Navy planes that I used to fly over Korea.

The jet engines of Airforce 1 are fully ignited.

BARACK:  Joe!  Wait a ‘sec!  You were never in the Navy!  Do you even–

ZOOM!  Airforce 1 takes off.

JOE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I got you, Barack.  I got you! Oh, Barack, that was rich.  ‘Give me the keys to Airforce 1, Barack. I used to fly planes in the Navy.’ I LOVE IT! HAHAHA! Oh, Lord. (Slaps hand on dashboard as he laughs.) HAHAHA! By the way Barack, please fasten your seatbelt, we are at a cruising altitude of 20,000 feet. HAHAHA! (Slaps dashboard.)

BARACK:  Joe!  Can you land this plane?

JOE:  (Slaps dashboard) I LOVE IT!  HAHAHAHAHA!  ‘Can you land this plane?’  Oh, Barack.  Oh, Barack.  HAHAHA!  I’ll try.  I’ll give it the old NAVY try! HAHAHAHA! (Slaps dashboard.)

BARACK:  Will you stop slapping the dashboard?  This isn’t a TV tray, Joe.  It’s the control panel of the most–Oh, Joe, we’re being trailed by F-16s.  Radio them for help.

JOE:  Nah!  Did you say you needed to speak to the Prime Minister of China?  Why not pay him a visit? HAHAHAHA!

BARACK:  Joe! I promise you, if you land the plane I will resign and you will be president!

JOE:  No, thanks, Barack!  I like flying this plane better.  I’d prefer to actually feel in control of something!  HAHAHAHA!  Just kidding, Barack you’re in control.  You’re in control.  Coming down for a landing, Mr. President.  Coming down for a landing.  I hope. HAHAHAHAHA!


Barack & Joe

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Despite the sunny day at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Obama is frenzied with work:  Healthcare, the Economy, War, Global Warming. He wishes that the world would just stop for a moment.

The phone rings.

BARACK:  President speaking,

JOE:  Ha ha! I love it! President speaking?! Hilarious, Barack. Abso–

BARACK:  Hi Joe.

JOE:  Barack! What’s shakin’, man?

BARACK:  (deadpan) Hopefully not the San Andreas.

JOE:  HAHAHAHAHA! Hopefully not the San Andreas!?? I love it! We’d lose L.A.! But we’d solve half the nation’s traffic problems! HAHAHAHA! Hilarious, Barack.  Oh man, you are in rare form, my friend. Rare form! Hold on let me tell that one to Ron (off phone) HEY RON! BARACK JUST TOLD ME THIS JOKE! I SAID, BARACK JUST TOLD ME THIS JOKE! IT’S HILARIOUS! RON! RON! (back on phone) I’ll tell him later, he’s making copies or something.

BARACK:  What can I do for you, Joe?

JOE:  That’s Mr. Vice President to you my friend. HAHAHAHA!

BARACK: Ahem.

JOE: You choking on something, Barack? Gasping life’s last breath? Got a little pretzel in there? Ha ha.

BARACK: No, I was clearing my throat.

JOE:  Damn.  I thought I was going to be president. HAHAHAHA!  Just kidding, Barack. Just kidding.  That being said, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, pal!  Light up a cig! They shorten your life!  HAHAHA!  Just kidding, just kidding, Barack.  Solid as Barack! Oh what fun we have. We have fun, Barack.

BARACK:  I’m kind of busy, Joe. What can I do for you?

JOE:  Get me a ham and swiss on rye and a Sprite if you got one. HAHAHAHAHA!

BARACK:  Joe.

JOE:  In all seriousness, Mr. President. I do have one item that I believe is of the utmost National Concern.  Are you in front of your computer?

BARACK:  No.

JOE:  What are you doing over there, scribbling on pads of paper? Jiminy Cricket, Barack.  Like a little kid at a restaurant with the crayons and, and, and—

BARACK:  Joe.

JOE:  Get a computer in that office.  You’re the President, for Pete’s sakes.  OK, write this down. YouTube dot com.

BARACK:  Joe.

JOE: YOUTUBE DOT COM

BARACK: Joe, I hate it when you spell out URLs to me over the phone—

JOE:  Slash,

BARACK: Sigh.

JOE: watch question mark v equal sign six capital K-r-capital Y-two-capital Q-R-G-capital Z-capital C-four. And that’s it. Cat Bloopers 2. Check it out later. Hilarious.  Watch it with Michelle and the kids. It’s not like that other one I sent you.

BARACK:  Thanks, Joe.

JOE:  Cat Bloopers 2.  Remember we watched the first one and I spilled my coffee all over you because I was laughing so hard?  HAHAHA.  I kept spilling. Oh, I love it.

BARACK: Thanks for the link, Joe.

JOE:  You got a quick second for your vice president?

BARACK:  No, Joe.  I’m very busy.  I’ll watch your link later.

JOE:  I love it. We got a thing here.  I’ll be right over.  I just solved the economy.

BARACK:  No, Joe.

Joe slams open the door to the Oval Office.  In his hands are a tray of wind up toys: Dancing Chicks, Chattering Teeth, Zooming Mice.  His white shirt is covered with coffee stains from laughing too hard.

JOE:  I just solved the economy, Barack.  We’ll sell a million of these things.  We’re getting out of this one cheap, my man! HAHAHAHAHA!

Barack stares at Joe as the wind up toys dance and chirp.

BARACK:  Leave.  Before I declare you an enemy combatant.

JOE:  HAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it!  I’d be in Gitmo forever!