New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of the year again, New Year’s Resolution time, where I take a look at all the things I lack, all the bad decisions I’ve made, and everything that is wrong with me and try to fix it all with a hastily written to do list. It’s time to question my happiness, health, and good fortune, and make promises that will only extend to the end of this blog post.  Hey, I’m just being patriotic, the U.S. economy depends on my wanting to be better than myself so I can buy things to improve the self esteem.  Fulfilling New Year’s resolutions means self contentment. Self contentment means less impulse purchases.  And less impulse buys means less jobs.  Of course it would be funny to list a bunch of hilarious resolutions like “Resolution 1: Win the lotto! Resolution 2: Write Better Resolutions!” like I always do, but that would be breaking…

  • Resolution 1: Be honest.  I am tired of my fake laugh.  I do it to be polite. I do it to disarm.  I do it all the time.  So does everyone else. But its hurting my face and throat. And I think giving me wrinkles and migraines. It’s not even a laugh, it’s like rapid shallow breathing.  Who are we fooling?  There has to be another way of responding to your boss’s “Happy Friday” than a soft “Ha ha ha, finally.”  Why do honesty and politeness have to be mutually exclusive?
  • Resolution 2: Exercise, take a vitamin, just one lousy vitamin, and go outside.  Seriously, my medical history is littered with things like cancer and glaucoma.  Why do I sit on my duff all day and forsake vitamins just so I can catch another thirty seconds of my Facebook newsfeed?
  • Resolution 3: Like, only check Facebook once a day. Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I don’t have friends anymore, I have Facebook–crude text representations of various people in my life.  It’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers where those I care about have been replaced by tagged photos.  The amount of times I have thought of doing something just so I can post it on Facebook has finally exceeded the limit.  Facebook won’t launch my comedy career, Facebook won’t cause others to adopt my political causes, and Facebook won’t relaunch friendships.  I can’t think of the last person I friended on Facebook that I had an improved friendship with.  Friendships dissolve for a reason, to strengthen the relationships we cherish and keep Facebook in business.  Besides I figured out how to update all my statuses with Twitter.
  • Resolution 4: Drive my car. I haven’t driven my car since November 2011.  I live in Los Angeles.  Something is not right here.  I love that car, yet I neglect it.  I should take a picture of my driving it and post it on Facebook.  Sure, gas should be preserved.  Sure, public transportation saves money, the environment, and needless hours in commuter traffic.  But I should hit the road and go to the beach or something.
  • Resolution 5: Call my friends on the phone.  If I had more friends in L.A., I’d resolve to hang out more, but since most of my friends are still on the East Coast, I think I should pick up the phone at least once a month.  Writing two sentence emails to check-in has done nothing more than give me whiplash at work from checking to see if my boss has caught me on Gmail.
  • Resolution 6: Only eat sugar late at night.  This is only a problem while working in an office where treats are pushed harder than liquor on highway billboards. Starting off the day with sweet breads, chocolate, and corn syrup dipped danishes has never once not made me nervous and depressed for the rest of the day.  STOP IT. Drink water, have a banana, and if you have sugar make it close to bedtime so the blood sugar drops when your consciousness does.  Seriously why the office treats?
  • Resolution 7: Watch more episodes of Barney Miller.  I love that show.
  • Resolution 8: Spend more than 30 seconds each day playing with my cat.  The poor guy is lonely.  And I have not patience to teach him Facebook.
  • Resolution 9: Read a book before buying a new one.  Los Angeles already has a library, I don’t need to maintain an auxiliary one in my apartment.  Anyone want to borrow a Tolkien book or The Idiot’s Guide to Past Life Regression?
  • Resolution 10: Write in the morning for 10 minutes or more.  Short stories, grocery lists, Magneto Jokes, anything. There’s something to putting down some scattered thoughts on paper first thing in the day.  It clears the head, puts goals in perspective, and
  • Resolution 11: Stop thinking you have to list everything in threes.

More Jeremiah Standup!

Here are some clips of me working out some standup bits at open mics.  I make fun of such sacred things as The Bible, President Obama, and Facebook.

National Sketch Writing Month: Facebook’s Future

facebook

Facebook’s Future
by Jeremiah Murphy

NARRATOR
In the future, the internet will be shut down for various reasons. The world will be tossed into chaos. But Facebook will survive. In the absence of the web, Facebook users will be forced to report directly to the Facebook offices to read their friends status updates, look at pictures, make changes to their profile. This is the future!

At the Facebook Offices.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Hi there, welcome to Facebook, how may I help you?

GREG
I’d like to log on to Facebook.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
What’s your Facebook username and password?

GREG
I thought you said you would remember me. I was just here.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
You look familiar but I have no idea who you are. I am sorry.

GREG
Aye-yi-yi, I’m working. I don’t want my boss to catch me here. Username: Greg Johnson at skimail dot com, password is slutomatic2

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Skimail?

GREG
Yeah.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Do you ski?

GREG
No, come on am I in?

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Odd password, Mr. Johnson. You are in! What can I do for you?

GREG
I want to look at pictures of my friends.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
OK, I’ll be right back.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT gets up and looks through a big box of pictures. He picks some out and throws them on the table.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Here they are. I looked at some of these this morning. I find the drunk pictures tasteless. Look at you in this one. I showed it to your mother the other day.

GREG
Aw, come on. I’d like to look at these in private.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
I’m sorry.

GREG looks at the pictures fast and hard.

GREG
OK, these are good. I’ve seen them all. Can I change my status update?

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Sure, what would you like it say.

GREG
Uh, Greg Johnson has a hole in his left sock.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Do people need to know this?

GREG
I thought I’d share.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
You have a friend request.

GREG
Who?

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
That woman over there, Gail Soderberg. You went to high school with her.

GREG
Ooh. No thanks. Mark that one “ignore.”

GAIL
Excuse me, Greg, I’m really offended.

GREG
We can still be friends outside of the Facebook offices but when I’m in here, I like to keep everything limited to my close friends. I haven’t seen you in 15 years, you know.

GAIL
I thought you’d be happy to see me.

GREG
Outside of Facebook, but not inside.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
Greg, your friend Carl is trying to chat with you, will you accept?

GREG
Nah. I don’t have the patience for his rambling.

CARL
What!?? Come on dude! I’m right here!

GREG’S BOSS
Greg! What are you doing here!

GREG
Oh, shit, I was uh, working on this excel spreadsheet.

GREG’S BOSS
In the Facebook office?

CARL
Busted. Hey Facebook dude, update my status. “Greg just got busts LOL!”

GAIL
Yes update my status to say the same thing.

FACEBOOK ATTENDANT
One at a time please, I can only do so much. I’m not the internet, you know.

Dear Acting Diary: Open Mic Night

Dear Acting Diary,

Above please check out a video of me at an open mic last night at The New York Comedy Club with SuperEgo Comedy. I had a lot of fun. I was pretty nervous, a lot more than when I when I’m usually on stage. I noticed being nervous made me hunch a little and wave my arm around a lot. Maybe I’ll be known as that “Stand-Up Who Waves His One Arm Around.”

If you’re looking for a list of open mics in New York, I found this list: http://www.badslava.com/nyc-open-mics.htm

To prepare my set I basically did a mental inventory of things I had been joking about recently in conversations, as well as things I caught myself being afraid to say in public. The set wasn’t totally written out but I mapped out all the jokes and kind of phrased them as I went along. I kind of wish I had written them out. I felt phrasing them on the fly led to some awkward speech and swallowed words.