National Sketch Writing Month: Eddie McOwskey Press Conference

politician2

Eddie McOwskey Press Conference
By Jeremiah Murphy

EDDIE
Good Mornings Folks, I’m Eddie McOwskey, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. Please listen to me, while I try to persuade youse with manipulative speech and tentative promises.

Folks, why should you vote for me? Simple. I’m the best. I’m not one to sling mud around pig pens, so I’ll refrain from the usual petty attacks. However, my opponents, Jonny Corzines and Chris Christies are both fat, ugly, and quite frankly smell like a hippopotamus’s dirty butts. Like a hippopatumus’s dirty butts. It’s either that or me. I think the choice is simples.

(in a deep, raspy voice)
Vote McOwskey or Vote for Stinky-Sweet Pachyderm Butt.

I have to do my own scary poltical ad narration voice.

Now. I’ll accept questions. Yes, you from the New York Times.

HENRY
Actually, I’m not from the New York Times. I write a blog that some kids in my high school read.

EDDIE
We all have to start somewheres. May your dreams come true, dear boys. What is your question? Perhaps you’d like to know about my administration’s candy and comic book bailout plan? Or my CD pick of the week?

HENRY
You plainly said that you would not engage in mudslinging but in the following sentence you called you opponents ugly, fat, and smelly. Why did you contradict yourself in such an obvious light.

EDDIE
Thank you for that great question, young man. Actually, you may be too young to understand but the voting public likes to hear everything. They like to hear you promise to not say mean things, then they like to hear you say mean things. It shows that one has the formissitude to betray oneself for the good of the public’s moralities and entertainments.

HENRY
Isn’t that lying, Mr. McOwskey?

EDDIE
Henry, when you’re an adult you don’t get accused of lying, you get accused of misspeaking and spreading misinformation.  And even then the accusations don’t occur until a day or two laters and never, ever in front of anyones faces.  Next question, yes you from the Wall Street Journal.

DENISE
Actually, I just keep a diary.

EDDIE
At least it has one dedicated reader, which is more than the Wall Street Journal can attest.  That rags.

DENISE
I didn’t have a question.  I was just stretching.

EDDIE
Oh, yeah so was I.

Dr. Zizmor Trailer