Loveseat Smackdown, Part 2

Previously on Jeremiah’s Blog:  As I search for a loveseat to adorn my sparsely furnished but very cluttered apartment, I’ve turned to the kooky offerings of Craigslist.

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This loveseat looks good.  I bet it’s a great nap couch.  Unfortunetalythe little open skirt at the bottom makes it looks like its fly is open.  Who knows what might pop out of that thing!  I can’t live with that kind of stress.  Or those kind of smells.

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I can’t lie.  This loveseat is sexy.  But I’d have to go out and buy a whole bunch of new colognes to match it.

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I like how the photographer waited for just the right lighting. 

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I don’t think this is a real photo, I think it’s a screenshot from The Wonder Years

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Back to Hell, you beast.

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This one is advertised as “free.”  I can’t tell if I’m looking at a couch or dirty underwear.  Whatever the case, it would match my apartment perfectly.

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I can already see this one covered with junkmail, comic books, and yogurt cups. And the cool thing is that with this epic pattern, no one would be the wiser.  A loveseat of secrets I have before me.

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This ad invites us all to “email for more pics.”  Hopefully they would be pics of other couches.  Preferably clean ones that don’t sag in the middle. 

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The bare spot you see highlighted in this Hitchcockian photo is because this couch is part of a sectional set.  The other pieces of the set aren’t being offered.  However, if your children like to color or perhaps you like to make your garage look as uninviting as possible, this might be the item for you.

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The ad from which this photo was plucked advertised that a recliner, couch, and sofa were for sale.  I guess he’s just teasing us by posting a photo of his handsome end table/magazine rack/pressboard sculpture.  Or perhpas the photo is supposed to suggest that the furnitire leaves plenty of room for the junk in your apartment.

Loveseat Smackdown

My apartment is a bed, a sink, and a toilet.  Granted all three can tecnhically be used as seating, I’d like to have some furniture to sit on while I stare at the wall. 

 A few months ago I finally ditched my ugly, uncomfortable Ikea sofa bed which had become neither a sofa nor a bed but a two ton home for stains.  I had held onto to it for too long.  It was almost as if I expected it to become more comfortable over time, as if it were a maturing organism that hadn’t fully developed.  Since the first day I welcomed this beast into my home, the slightest amount of weight caused the cushions to slide down at an angle, slowly delivering a firm wedgy before depositing its guests slowly on the floor.  My mom had generously tried to remedy this problem by purchasing a slab of wood.  This just made the seat firmer as it rolled you off.  I kept that monster, wood slab and all, for around 6 years.  Why? I bought it for $60 on Craigslist.

I remember going to check it out after seeing the ad.  I went to some stranger’s house and sat down on it for like a second and was like “oh that’s nice.”  I didn’t even sit, it was like I did a little exersize, up then down.  Boom.   My abs felt great.  I think I was nervous that if I sat for a moment I wouldn’t like the couch.  And if I didn’t like the couch, I wouldn’t buy it.  Then I’d feel bad for not making a purchase after going to the trouble of visiting this poor woman’s apartment.  In my crackpot mind, the fear of having an awkward exchange of “This couch stinks.  No thanks. Please let me out of your house.”  was less preferrable than living with a bum couch that no one could sit on for 6 years.  A huge chunk of useless furniture in a 8′ x 12′ apartment.

And knowing myself, the only reason I didn’t buy the couch straight from the ad–the only reason I went to check out the coach to see if I wanted it instead of sending an email saying “I’ll buy it, thank you.”–was that I knew I’d get lip from my friends:  “You didn’t look at the couch before you bought it!!?  You didn’t try to sit down on it!!??”  I would have felt bad about myself as my friends pointed out the obvious and proper way of purchasing furnuiture. 

So to reconcile my fears of being reprimanded by my pals and not buying something from someone whose house I entered, I went and checked out the couch then purchased it without casting judgment on it. 

So, now all these years later it’s time for round 2.  I thought maybe this time around I’d shop at a store.  Maybe that’s the way to go.  Avoid bedbugs, check out the floor models, don’t worry about not buying something from somebody whose house I’ve entered… So I checked out some furniture stores and furniture is pretty expensive. So it’s back to Craigslist. 

Here are some of my finds:

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It’d be nice if I could see the whole deal.  On the plus side it looks like its used to tight spaces.  The seller described this couch as adorable.  He or she also pleaded with us to save it from the junk heap.  We live in tough times with painful choices.

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I only need a loveseat.  How could I disrupt this set? I also feel that if I went to check out the loveseat the garage door would open and I would be run over by a station wagon.  Or bears.

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This couch is being given away for free.  That just makes it all the more uglier.  The pattern looks like it contains the pagan souls of prehistoric Gauls.  I appreciate all of the angles in the photos–although it would be nice to see one of the complete item.

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I enjoy seeing what the couch would like with the pillows arranged slightly differently.  It’s a nice set up for the shocker below.

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All three of these pictures successfully emphasize what the couch looks like from above. Those wings on the side though look like they really fill out the room.

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This loveseat is very ugly.  That being said, it would be the best looking item in my apartment.

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I’m not ready for this loveseat yet.  I need a boat house first.  And a bottle of furniture shampoo. And an ex-wife.

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I’m trying to picture what this would look like with cat stains and roaches.

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Note to self: save this one for that house that I buy in space, when I become Annie Lennox, space dentist.

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 The seller describes this item as a “beautiful loveseat” even though the photo says otherwise.  The lush selection of pillows makes me think of someone with low self esteem about their body blowing their paycheck on a hairstylist before a blind date.