Happy 2009! I hope everyone is having a good start to a year that critics are already calling “A-Hold-On-To-Your-Seat-Thrill Ride,” ”A Perplexing Tapestry of Suspense,” and “You Have to See It To Believe It!”
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Since you’re probably wondering, here are my predictions for 2009:
Total Economic and Social Collapse
Total Economic and Social Recovery
Cats will gain the ability to speak and clog UN proceedings with requests of boiled Chicken and crinkly ball toys
New York will become part of Rhode Island
Jiminy Cricket will once again be the talk of the town – much to the chagrin of F. Murray Abraham.
A scientist in a garage will discover the cure to cottonmouth.
We will all be amazed by the new video phone
Ginger will be the new chocolate
The best selling book will be titled “I Can’t Believe It IS Butter: How We Were Lied To for Over 20 Damn Years”
We will start living in domed cities underwater and in Ohio.
Billie will lose Phil Collin’s number and he will go on a bender.
A Computer will run for president.
We will all wear caps made out of Polio.
The sky will be slightly less blue as fossil fuels are replaced with corn ethanol.
Osama Bin Laden will come out of hiding to take advantage of the President’s Day Sale at T.J. Max
Bill Clinton will grow three feet taller and roam the Pacific Northwest, terrorizing hunters.
Bill Gates will grow five feet shorter and cobble shoes together from pixie dust and copper.
The George W. Bush Presidential Library will amaze youngsters with its collection of Encyclopedia Brown DVDs.
There will be a world wide coffee shortage, causing people to wake up routinely at 11am and “be fine with it.”
Joe Rogan will come out from retirement.
Anderson Cooper will star in a sitcom where he moves in with his crazy uncle (Tom Wopat) to run the family thrift store.
And finally you will laugh next Monday, 1/19, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day at…
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CHARACTER DOGVILLE – Monday, MLK Day, 1/19 @7pm
Improv Comedy from Kooky Characters
Featuring characters by: Jeremiah Murphy, Carrie Sipple, Wayne Henry, Stacy Mayer, Luke Meginsky, Ryan Stratton, and Justin Herfel
Where? The Peoples Improv Theater, 154 West 29th Street
How Much? Five Dollars
This is our second show at the PIT and they want to see if we can draw a big crowd. If you’re free that night come on by. Then after the show we can all discuss…
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In honor of Dr. King I recommend checking out on of his greatest but often forgotten speeches, “Beyond Vietnam,” which really slams the establishment with a call to oppose the unholy trinity of racism, militarism, and materialism. Beyond Vietnam: http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkatimetobreaksilence.htm
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Vote McOwskey!
You can help your favorite gubernatorial candidate two ways:
1. Vote on what slogans should go into his sticker campaign at: http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/6czfgI0/What-slogans-should-the-McOwskey-campaign-use-in-its-sticker-campaign?view_quiz=1
2. Help Eddie find his way to winning the election (maze attached)
McOwskey.com
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Music:
I’ve been learning how to use “Garageband” and I made the attached song using the instrument samples and pulled some sound clips from a “Hugh and Laurie” sketch as well as the CBS news.
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That’s it from this issue of the Jeremiah Times. I hope everyone is well!
Jeremiah
