National Sketch Writing Month: Columbo Asks A Favor

COLUMBO ASKS A FAVOR

Excuse me, madame. I couldn’t help but notice you were walking your dog. He’s cute. Reminds me of my Uncle Charlie actually. Sweet guy, round in the waist but firm. Used to coach basketball. Or was it golf? I get them all mixed up.

(mysterious sound)

You’ll have to excuse me. Anyway. I see you’re carrying a little plastic shopping bag to collect your dog’s business.

And well, you see the funny thing is… I have to go to the bathroom myself. I was wondering, would it be any trouble, if you wouldn’t mind, perhaps, since you haven’t tied it up, to do a little, how should I put this? Can I poop in that bag as well? It’s really quite the emergency.

Normally, I’d just deal with it on my own. But you see, for the past twenty seven minutes, I’ve been trying to keep hold of the situation by releasing a little gas here and there, to and fro, relieving my bowels of some of the pressure, if you will. But I’m getting dagger like pains in my gut and I’m afraid soon I’m going to release a little more than noxious fumes. You know what I mean.

So you see, I’m a bit of a crossroads in my adult life. Do I just let loose in my khakis? Or ask a friendly stranger to do something she’s already in the midst of doing? Oh, one more thing, while we’ve been talking, option A has already begun slightly and I got to wear this outfit to my nephew’s graduation this afternoon. You’d like him. He majored in Philosophy and plays the harp.

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