National Sketch Writing Month: Slomin’s Shield Sketch

Slomin’s Shield Sketch

Security System Engineer: Well, Mrs. Beasley, in a couple moments your house will be completely protected from intruders, pests, and any other unwelcome business with the Slomin’s Shield.

Mrs. Delahunt: I feel safer already.

Security System Engineer: Ain’t that something.

Mrs. Delahunt: Excuse me, if you don’t mind my asking, what exactly is the Slomin’s Shield?

Security System Engineer: Well, we’re really not supposed to tell you, but in a few moments, it should be painfully obvious.

Mrs. Delahunt: Oh, tell me. I don’t like surprises.

Security System Engineer: The Slomin’s Shield is a big wet fart, one of those ones that don’t dissipate—they just sit there, protecting your home.

Mrs. Delahunt: Get out of town.

Security System Engineer: That’s exactly what a burglar will do once he gets a whiff of what I’m about to let loose.

Mrs. Delahunt: So you just break wind?

Security System Engineer: Just break wind? Lady. For the past six months I have been eating a steady diet of Tiger Milk Bars, blueberries, tofu, fried eggplant, barbacoa, spinach, balsamic vinegar, broccoli, raw soybeans, pine nuts—

Mrs. Delahunt: Pine nuts?

Security System Engineer: The oils help suspend the odor once it leaves me–black beans, pinto beans, bean chili, sugar beets, curried lentils… Just to create the perfect condition in my bowels to release… Slomin’s Shield.

Mrs. Delahunt: So anytime, I see a sign in front of a house that says, “This House is Protected by Slomin’s Shield” that means it smells like a strong fart? My little nephews could take care of that for me.

Security System Engineer: You’re not listening. The fart just hangs there. It don’t move.

Mrs. Delahunt: Like one of those force fields from Star Trek?

Security System Engineer: A fart field, ma’am. A fart field. And it ain’t nothing like Star Trek, unless that space ship flew right into a toilet.

Mrs. Delahunt: I find that utterly repulsive.

Security System Engineer: In my business that’s a compliment.

Mrs. Delahunt: I won’t pay for it.

Security System Engineer: But I just farted. Excuse me.

Mrs. Delahunt: I didn’t hear a thing.

Security System Engineer: The silent ones, ma’am. They got all the juice.

Mrs. Delahunt: Oh heavens. It smells like the tide just rolled in.

Security System Engineer: Better than a van of thieves, rolling into your driveway, ready to steal all of your belongings and perhaps kill a loved one on the way.

Mrs. Delahunt: Say, what’s more costly, a van of thieves rolling into my driveway or a security company van that charges a costly amount to set up a bogus security system?

Security System Engineer: Ma’am. I have a confession.

Mrs. Delahunt: Yes.

Security System Engineer: I don’t work for Slomin’s Shield. I just like farting in people’s homes. For money.

Mrs. Delahunt: Have you considered a career in broadcast journalism, young man?

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