National Sketch Writing Month: Darth Vader’s Blind Date
Darth Vader’s Blind Date
A woman is waiting outside of the line for Shake Shack in Madison Square Park (NYC). She is dressed for a date.
Darth Vader approaches her. He has a flower, something purple.
Darth Vader: Pardon me, might you be Sheila?
Sheila: Oh… yes.
Darth Vader hands her the flower.
Sheila: I wasn’t expecting Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: My dear Sheila, no one does, that is how I remain in power.
Sheila: Oh, OK.
Darth Vader: Join me, Sheila, together we shall wait in line at Shake Shack. In the meantime, I have dispatched several of the Galaxy’s shrewdest Bounty Hunters to fetch a pair of tickets for Merchant of Venice. Pacino shall bow before us.
Sheila’s cell phone rings.
Sheila: Hello? Oh, hi. I wasn’t expecting your call. (in a whisper) It’s going horrible. (fake surprise) WHAT! OH MY GOD! I’LL BE RIGHT THERE. NO, HE’LL UNDERSTAND.
Darth Vader: What is happening?
Sheila: It’s my friend, Daphne, she’s in trouble. I gotta go.
Darth Vader: I shall alert several of my commanders. What is Daphne’s location?
Sheila: Uh…
Darth Vader: Nevermind, I can sense her distress in the force.
A hologram is projected from Vader’s suit, we see an imperial officer.
Darth Vader: General Rubiko, aid Daphne in her conflict at all costs.
Rubiko: As you wish, Lord Vader. Enjoy Shake Shack.
Vader looks at Sheila.
Darth Vader: We shall.
Sheila: Look, you don’t have to call your friends.
A fleet of TIE fighters scrambles overhead. One of those four legged things follows them down the street.
Sheila: Oh, oh, OK. I guess Daphne will be fine.
Darth Vader: I’ve heard the wait is truly worth it.
Sheila: What like, no premarital sex?
Darth Vader: No, the line here, at Shake Shack.
Pause.
Darth Vader: Do you like me?
Sheila: Maybe as a friend.
Darth Vader: Have you ever fallen in love with a friend?
Sheila: Absolutely not. I have a policy.
Darth Vader: What are you going to get?
Sheila: Oh, something light.
Darth Vader: Like cheese fries or something?
Sheila’s phone rings.
Sheila: Hello?
We hear Daphne yelling “What the Hell!!??” and various Star Wars battle sound effects in the background.
Sheila hangs up.
Sheila: Eh. I don’t know.
Darth Vader: What do you do?
Sheila: Didn’t Ted and Elaine tell you?
Darth Vader: Advertising?
Sheila: I work at a real estate firm. I’m an executive assistant.
Darth Vader: Do you enjoy it?
Sheila: It’s work.
Darth Vader: What kind of music do you like?
Sheila: Eh. John Cougar.
Darth Vader: Oh.
Sheila: How about you?
Darth Vader: Coltrane.
Sheila: Jazz, right?
Darth Vader: OK.
Sheila: What?
Darth Vader: You obviously have some prejudices against me. You’re not even trying to be present in the moment. I’m done with you. So much for romance.
Sheila: Well, you’re evil.
Darth Vader: Well, you’re rude.
Sheila: Forgive me.
Darth Vader: Madame, goodnight.
