National Sketch Writing Month: Darth Vader’s Blind Date

Darth Vader’s Blind Date

A woman is waiting outside of the line for Shake Shack in Madison Square Park (NYC). She is dressed for a date.

Darth Vader approaches her. He has a flower, something purple.

Darth Vader: Pardon me, might you be Sheila?

Sheila: Oh… yes.

Darth Vader hands her the flower.

Sheila: I wasn’t expecting Darth Vader.

Darth Vader: My dear Sheila, no one does, that is how I remain in power.

Sheila: Oh, OK.

Darth Vader: Join me, Sheila, together we shall wait in line at Shake Shack. In the meantime, I have dispatched several of the Galaxy’s shrewdest Bounty Hunters to fetch a pair of tickets for Merchant of Venice. Pacino shall bow before us.

Sheila’s cell phone rings.

Sheila: Hello? Oh, hi. I wasn’t expecting your call. (in a whisper) It’s going horrible. (fake surprise) WHAT! OH MY GOD! I’LL BE RIGHT THERE. NO, HE’LL UNDERSTAND.

Darth Vader: What is happening?

Sheila: It’s my friend, Daphne, she’s in trouble. I gotta go.

Darth Vader: I shall alert several of my commanders. What is Daphne’s location?

Sheila: Uh…

Darth Vader: Nevermind, I can sense her distress in the force.

A hologram is projected from Vader’s suit, we see an imperial officer.

Darth Vader: General Rubiko, aid Daphne in her conflict at all costs.

Rubiko: As you wish, Lord Vader. Enjoy Shake Shack.

Vader looks at Sheila.

Darth Vader: We shall.

Sheila: Look, you don’t have to call your friends.

A fleet of TIE fighters scrambles overhead. One of those four legged things follows them down the street.

Sheila: Oh, oh, OK. I guess Daphne will be fine.

Darth Vader: I’ve heard the wait is truly worth it.

Sheila: What like, no premarital sex?

Darth Vader: No, the line here, at Shake Shack.

Pause.

Darth Vader: Do you like me?

Sheila: Maybe as a friend.

Darth Vader: Have you ever fallen in love with a friend?

Sheila: Absolutely not. I have a policy.

Darth Vader: What are you going to get?

Sheila: Oh, something light.

Darth Vader: Like cheese fries or something?

Sheila’s phone rings.

Sheila: Hello?

We hear Daphne yelling “What the Hell!!??” and various Star Wars battle sound effects in the background.

Sheila hangs up.

Sheila: Eh. I don’t know.

Darth Vader: What do you do?

Sheila: Didn’t Ted and Elaine tell you?

Darth Vader: Advertising?

Sheila: I work at a real estate firm. I’m an executive assistant.

Darth Vader: Do you enjoy it?

Sheila: It’s work.

Darth Vader: What kind of music do you like?

Sheila: Eh. John Cougar.

Darth Vader: Oh.

Sheila: How about you?

Darth Vader: Coltrane.

Sheila: Jazz, right?

Darth Vader: OK.

Sheila: What?

Darth Vader: You obviously have some prejudices against me. You’re not even trying to be present in the moment. I’m done with you. So much for romance.

Sheila: Well, you’re evil.

Darth Vader: Well, you’re rude.

Sheila: Forgive me.

Darth Vader: Madame, goodnight.

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