National Sketch Writing Month: Telephone Repair

It’s the first day of National Sketch Writing Month

Telephone Repair
by Jeremiah Murphy

The setting is a park bench in May.

1: Excuse me, I am here to fix your telephone.
2: Excellent.
1: It should take only a moment.
2: And to think, I always have trouble getting any service with this phone.
1: Haha.
2: Haha.
1: There’s a problem with your phone.
2: I know, that’s why you are fixing it.
1: Do you know what the problem is?
2: Nobody is calling me.
1: No, that’s a problem with you, not the phone.
2: All right, all right, you joker.
1: The problem with your phone is very serious. So, I’m going to ask you to, you know, calm down, with the comedic persona.
2: Jeez, it’s just a phone. What could be wrong?
1: It’s emitting a bizarre frequency of pulses. You may have been experiencing headaches, nausea, mild hallucinations—maybe shadow like creatures in the periphery of your vision.
2: Well, my toenails have been growing at an alarming rate.
1: That’s because you’re supposed to clip them once a week.
2: Excuse me, I’m not suffering from any of the symptoms you mentioned, so perhaps my phone is fine.
1: Perhaps I am hallucinating your saying that because I spend all my days repairing these phones and am exposed to the damaging pulses.
2: Well, you can fart in one hand and perhaps in the others and see which one gets full faster.
1: Neither one with get full, they are both intangibles.
2: If the hand is cupped in a manner, perhaps one can prevent the gas from escaping.
1: Do you fart in the same hand that you hold your phone?
2: I don’t fart in my hand.
1: Are you experiencing any other problems with your phone?
2: Just that nobody calls me.
1: I have no interest in spending my time having similar conversations over the telephone if that’s what you’re trying to insinuate.
2: Cool your jets.
1: Are we finished?
2: I guess so. You were the one in a rush to fix my phone.
1: I’m a phone repair man.
2: I work in fashion.
1: Oh yeah? What kind?
2: Interior design.
1: Get out.
2: It’s not very lucrative.
1: Oh, yeah, nobody calls you. Say, you smell that bad breath smell?
2: I thought it was you.
1: It’s the smell I get inside my head when I begin to question who I am, not at an identity level, but like at an essence level. I can always go back so far in my head. It’s a remarkable, mystical feeling, then I get a bad breath smell.
2: I’d recommend removing your Bluetooth device.
1: I thought it made me look like Lobot.
2: From Star Wars?
1: Yes. Care for an AMC Gold Ticket Movie Pass?

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