Previously on Jeremiah’s Blog: As I search for a loveseat to adorn my sparsely furnished but very cluttered apartment, I’ve turned to the kooky offerings of Craigslist.
This loveseat looks good. I bet it’s a great nap couch. Unfortunetalythe little open skirt at the bottom makes it looks like its fly is open. Who knows what might pop out of that thing! I can’t live with that kind of stress. Or those kind of smells.
I can’t lie. This loveseat is sexy. But I’d have to go out and buy a whole bunch of new colognes to match it.
I like how the photographer waited for just the right lighting.
I don’t think this is a real photo, I think it’s a screenshot from The Wonder Years.
Back to Hell, you beast.
This one is advertised as “free.” I can’t tell if I’m looking at a couch or dirty underwear. Whatever the case, it would match my apartment perfectly.
I can already see this one covered with junkmail, comic books, and yogurt cups. And the cool thing is that with this epic pattern, no one would be the wiser. A loveseat of secrets I have before me.
This ad invites us all to “email for more pics.” Hopefully they would be pics of other couches. Preferably clean ones that don’t sag in the middle.
The bare spot you see highlighted in this Hitchcockian photo is because this couch is part of a sectional set. The other pieces of the set aren’t being offered. However, if your children like to color or perhaps you like to make your garage look as uninviting as possible, this might be the item for you.
The ad from which this photo was plucked advertised that a recliner, couch, and sofa were for sale. I guess he’s just teasing us by posting a photo of his handsome end table/magazine rack/pressboard sculpture. Or perhpas the photo is supposed to suggest that the furnitire leaves plenty of room for the junk in your apartment.
My apartment is a bed, a sink, and a toilet. Granted all three can tecnhically be used as seating, I’d like to have some furniture to sit on while I stare at the wall.
A few months ago I finally ditched my ugly, uncomfortable Ikea sofa bed which had become neither a sofa nor a bed but a two ton home for stains. I had held onto to it for too long. It was almost as if I expected it to become more comfortable over time, as if it were a maturing organism that hadn’t fully developed. Since the first day I welcomed this beast into my home, the slightest amount of weight caused the cushions to slide down at an angle, slowly delivering a firm wedgy before depositing its guests slowly on the floor. My mom had generously tried to remedy this problem by purchasing a slab of wood. This just made the seat firmer as it rolled you off. I kept that monster, wood slab and all, for around 6 years. Why? I bought it for $60 on Craigslist.
I remember going to check it out after seeing the ad. I went to some stranger’s house and sat down on it for like a second and was like “oh that’s nice.” I didn’t even sit, it was like I did a little exersize, up then down. Boom. My abs felt great. I think I was nervous that if I sat for a moment I wouldn’t like the couch. And if I didn’t like the couch, I wouldn’t buy it. Then I’d feel bad for not making a purchase after going to the trouble of visiting this poor woman’s apartment. In my crackpot mind, the fear of having an awkward exchange of “This couch stinks. No thanks. Please let me out of your house.” was less preferrable than living with a bum couch that no one could sit on for 6 years. A huge chunk of useless furniture in a 8′ x 12′ apartment.
And knowing myself, the only reason I didn’t buy the couch straight from the ad–the only reason I went to check out the coach to see if I wanted it instead of sending an email saying “I’ll buy it, thank you.”–was that I knew I’d get lip from my friends: “You didn’t look at the couch before you bought it!!? You didn’t try to sit down on it!!??” I would have felt bad about myself as my friends pointed out the obvious and proper way of purchasing furnuiture.
So to reconcile my fears of being reprimanded by my pals and not buying something from someone whose house I entered, I went and checked out the couch then purchased it without casting judgment on it.
So, now all these years later it’s time for round 2. I thought maybe this time around I’d shop at a store. Maybe that’s the way to go. Avoid bedbugs, check out the floor models, don’t worry about not buying something from somebody whose house I’ve entered… So I checked out some furniture stores and furniture is pretty expensive. So it’s back to Craigslist.
Here are some of my finds:
It’d be nice if I could see the whole deal. On the plus side it looks like its used to tight spaces. The seller described this couch as adorable. He or she also pleaded with us to save it from the junk heap. We live in tough times with painful choices.
I only need a loveseat. How could I disrupt this set? I also feel that if I went to check out the loveseat the garage door would open and I would be run over by a station wagon. Or bears.
This couch is being given away for free. That just makes it all the more uglier. The pattern looks like it contains the pagan souls of prehistoric Gauls. I appreciate all of the angles in the photos–although it would be nice to see one of the complete item.
I enjoy seeing what the couch would like with the pillows arranged slightly differently. It’s a nice set up for the shocker below.
All three of these pictures successfully emphasize what the couch looks like from above. Those wings on the side though look like they really fill out the room.
This loveseat is very ugly. That being said, it would be the best looking item in my apartment.
I’m not ready for this loveseat yet. I need a boat house first. And a bottle of furniture shampoo. And an ex-wife.
I’m trying to picture what this would look like with cat stains and roaches.
Note to self: save this one for that house that I buy in space, when I become Annie Lennox, space dentist.
The seller describes this item as a “beautiful loveseat” even though the photo says otherwise. The lush selection of pillows makes me think of someone with low self esteem about their body blowing their paycheck on a hairstylist before a blind date.
If I learned anything in 2009 it’s that pasta sauce bought in a store, in a crummy jar, is a hot load of crap. This just underlies my theory that everything in this world is a total scam.
This revelation began when my friend Anwar cooked an amazing pasta dish. I asked him what he used for sauce and he said that the sauce was just tomatoes in a food processor. And it was delicious. More delicious than any crap pasta sauce bought in a dirtbag grocery store. I’ll tell you that much right here and now.
I was reminded by Anwar’s sauce when my girlfriend Carrie suggested I put in some canned tomatoes with my rice and beans. This suggestion was also delicious.
So, the next time I went to the grocery store I walked right by the scamjob pasta sauce aisle and went straight towards the canned vegetables. I found myself a nice can of diced tomatoes. And it was about half as much as any bogus jar of rancid Ragu or cruddy Classico. I’m saving money and getting a tastier meal? Pinch me.
I’ve discovered that I can get a big can of diced tomatoes for about $1.29-1.79 if I look hard enough, and it’s well worth the effort, especially if you add in some chopped up sausage. It flavors the tomatoes right up. You can also add your own spices, like Mrs. Dash or Basil or whatever sets you off. Maybe add some oil. It’s delicious. And the best part? None of that horse flophigh fructose corn syrup will touch your lips. And the large cans of chopped tomatoes last a lot longer than those bum $3-$7 jars of the prepackaged junk that the food companies try to push on us.
A word to the wise, don’t get the cans of crushed tomatoes or the cans of whole tomatoes. I know the cans of whole tomatoes are cheaper and you’re thinking you can just dice them at home. It’s not the same. And the crushed tomatoes are like cans of red sludge. The diced toamtoes are beautiful and have a proper place atop of your favorite pasta.
Here’s some choice segments from a standup set I tried at SuperEgo’s December 24th open mic at Broadway Comedy Club. I have deleted out for my benefit and yours my constant checking of my notes as well as other elements which may have cast me in a bad light.
I really enjoy doing standup and I think it’s one of those things that take a lot of time of actually doing it as opposed to studying how to do it. It’s such a brief art form and reliant on the audience that I I just have to do it. Over and over again. The open mics can be painful when you forget what you say or don’t get laughs but these failures–I HOPE–help me develop a thicker skin as well as a technique.
I’ve found out that I have more fun developing an “idea” of what I want to do as opposed to a script. The “idea” has to be detailed and rehearsed a few times, but I find if I try to memorize jokes, I get on stage and just recite jokes. It looks and feels stiff. if I go up there with a little bit of danger and room to breath I can “be in the moment.” I can think while I’m performing as opposed to just remembering. But this also gives me a larger chance of having nothing to say once I’m in front of people. It’s like life.
Wow, this youtube video description is really pompous.
On Christmas Eve, I heard a fellow standup comedian mention that there’s no historical proof of Jesus. Fair enough, faith is a big part of any religion. Maybe there was no historical Jesus, maybe he was a creature of myth, like Hercules, or Matlock. But Jesus only frollicking in the land of Honalee doesn’t take away from me the divinity of ”Do Unto Others as They Would Do Unto You” or whatever it is he said. Or She said.
But my curiousity is peaked. And since it’s the thick of the Christmas Season and Jesus’s observed birthday (1) (2) why not search the internet for some non-Biblical, historical accounts of Jesus’s life?
There’s some cool excerpts from Roman-era historians who speak mostly of Jesus’s trial and early, hippy, anti-Roman Christians.
Here’s Pliny the Younger, a Roman stooge, declaring that he has the crazy Christians under his control in 112 A.D.
They asserted, however, that the sum and substance of their fault or error had been that they were accustomed to meet on a fixed day before dawn and sing responsively a hymn to Christ as to a god, and to bind themselves by oath, not to some crime, but not to commit fraud, theft, or adultery, not falsify their trust, nor to refuse to return a trust when called upon to do so. When this was over, it was their custom to depart and to assemble again to partake of food—but ordinary and innocent food. Even this, they affirmed, they had ceased to do after my edict by which, in accordance with your instructions, I had forbidden political associations.
This cool site also mentions that some believe Jesus to be referenced in the Talmud as Yeshu, a sorcerer who is hanged. I found this other site which seems to do a pretty good job of examining those passages and laying down the pro’s and con’s of Jesus’s alledged appearance in the Talmud: http://www.angelfire.com/mt/talmud/jesusnarr.html
Lucian of Samosata is interesting in that he was a Greek satirist who mocked early Christians because they worshiped a lowly man and not a mythical god. He sort of seems like a pre-Christian fundamental Christian.
I wish I could find more contemporary accounts of Jesus instead of the chronicles of Roman squares being annoyed by early Christian hippies. But it looks like there might be a sliver of historical evidence that there was a real Jesus, whether he was the Christian Jesus or just a dude or another mystery altogether…
I saw these tracks as I was shooting a Chuckles Videogram. Are these evidence of wild rabbits in New York City? These were in the North Woods section of central park.
