Entries from October 2009 ↓

An elderly man sits at a computer terminal watching a Zorro movie. He is enjoying himself.

Zorro swings in. He sword fights with an enemy and makes a lot of racket.

MAN
Excuse me. Do you mind? I’m trying to watch a picture.

ZORRO
Ha-ha! Of course not, I can’t help but notice you are watching the famous movie “Zorro!”

MAN
Yeah, and I’m enjoying myself. So, if you please.

ZORRO
But I am Zorro! I am right here, my friend! Ha!

MAN
Oh, well, all things’s the same, I’d prefer to watch your movie. I wasn’t planning on being social today.

ZORRO
Why did you select that movie?

MAN
Because I like watching Zorro.

ZORRO
Well! I am Zorro! You can watch me before you.

MAN
Well, I prefer to watch you encapsulated in a narrative. I don’t want to be part of an adventure. I don’t know what I can contribute and I don’t know what you can contribute to my life.

ZORRO
Why are you watching the Zorro movie, then, my friend? What are you hoping to acquire?

MAN
I was just hoping for a little escapism.

ZORRO
My specialty! Come let us escape!

MAN
Not literally. I was hoping to sit down most of the day. I really am enjoying myself just watching the Zorro movie.

ZORRO
You mean my movie.

MAN
I’d like to think of you, the Zorro before me and the Zorro in the movie as separate people.

ZORRO
Why’s that?

MAN
There’s something special about being detached from one’s heroes.

ZORRO
Explain this to me.

MAN
Well, when you’re an actual person I can see your flaws. But if I just admire you say in a movie, I can pretend to be you, through the magic of Hollywood ignore your flaws, and be painlessly whisked away to far off place. If I were to leave with you now somewhere, I’d be nervous about our travel arrangements and am quite sure we’d get on each other’s nerves.

ZORRO
You don’t like your heroes to be real?

MAN
No. I don’t. There are no real heroes. Just ordinary people.

ZORRO
I beg to differ.

MAN
Give me one example of a real hero.

ZORRO
That helicopter pilot in Vietnam who risked his life during the Mai Lai Massacre to rescue Vietnamese civilians under the threat of fire from his fellow soldiers.

MAN
That’s heroic. But I don’t know if everything he does is heroic. Maybe he tips poorly. I can’t respect someone who does that. A hero is pure.

ZORRO
If the waiter depends on the tips for income it should be included in the bill!

MAN
Oh Zorro… And besides I wouldn’t consider watching the heroic deeds of this serviceman in a movie. That wouldn’t be very entertaining. I’d think of all the destruction from the Vietnam War.

ZORRO
What’s a hero without the context of destruction?

MAN
That’s a good question. But heroes to me are Batman, Sherlock Holmes, you, Zorro, people who are fictitious and rescue me from this real world of unpleasantries. And are able to illustrate proper morality in a fictional setting which I can mentally compare to my own situations, yet not feel preached to or brainwashed.

LIBRARIAN
Excuse me, gentlemen, there is no talking in the library.

ZORRO
I always thought that was a silly rule.

The elderly man returns to watching his movie.

I was listening to Coast to Coast AM from last night where Ian Punnett interviewed James Nestor on his book Get High Now in which Nestor investigates methods of achieving altered states of consciousness besides using illegal drugs (mediation, breathing techniques, consuming certain foods, listening to specific sounds for long periods of time, etc.). During the interview, Ian Punnett mentioned having intensely weird dreams after eating pizza. Nestor claimed that hallucinogenic properties of cheese and basil in pizza might have something to do with Punnett’s experiences.

But nobody mentioned my dirty little secret: drinking broccoli broth.

I discovered once after boiling broccoli in a small pan that the left over broth was very green. I theorized that any of the nutrients that had left the broccolli might now be in the broth. So, I put the green water in a mug and drank it like tea. It didn’t taste bad. In fact, as I sat there, I felt my mood shift into a happy, giddy-like state as well as feeling relaxed. I was even listening to some Stevie Wonder at the time and entered the “I totally understand music” state. I don’t remember how long it lasted but I do remember that the strength of the broth was substantial enough for me to tell others about it. And when I did, I was met with disgust and shame. People told me I was drinking the equivalent of dishwater. I tried offering it to people after steaming some broccoli and was refused.

My crackpot theory: I think the process of boiling or steaming (or whatever I was doing to the broccoli) was concentrating the nutrients of the vegetable into the broth in such a way that when consumed gave off a high.

I’ve searched the internet looking for explanations of this “broccoli buzz” but have found nothing. If anyone else has had any such experiences with broccoli broth please share in the comments. I want to know that I’m not alone.

Here’s 48 seconds of Bible Humor.  This was part of an open mic set I did.  I broke my recent rule of bringing a cheat sheet up with me.  Lately I’ve discovered I seem to do standup better when I don’t have a sheet listing my jokes.  I think when I have a piece of paper to reference it takes me out of the moment and I try to remember things as opposed to trying to perform things.  Acting is doing, not remembering, to paraphrase my college acting Professor.