Man 2: Great, mind if we share this cab? I’m heading that way too, save us both some cash.
Man 1: Well—
Man 2: Fantastic. Hold on.
Man 1: OK.
Man 2 opens the door. A great big dog enters the cab.
Man 2: Settle down, pooch. Settle down, pooch. We’ll be making two stops. Pooch, settle down. Wherever my pal’s going and 76th and Lexington.
Man 1: That’s not really on the way.
Man 2: Huh? It’s up. We’re both going up. This is my dog.
Man 1: I figured.
Man 2: He’s a little friendly. But don’t mind him, he won’t bite.
Man 1: He’s licking me.
Man 2: Oh, he loves that. You’re real good with dogs. You got a pet? Settle down, pooch.
Man 1: My apartment’s too small.
Man 2: This city! It’ll get you anyway it can. My place is huge. Nice townhouse. Settle down, pooch.
Man 1: How much rent do you pay?
Man 2: I bought the whole place back in ’98. A few million.
Man 1: Dot com money?
Man 2: Nah, rich family. You could say that I got lucky.
Man 1: I’ll say.
Man 2: I also deserve every penny. Hey pal, what do you do for a living?
Man 1: I’m an administrative assistant but I’m also a writer.
Man 2: Huh?
Man 1: Poetry. Are you a patron of the arts by any chance?
Man 2: Huh? Settle down, pooch.
The dog is overly aggressive with Man 1.
Man 1: Settle down, pooch.
Man 2: HEY! NOBOY TALKS TO MY DOG LIKE THAT, YOU HEAR, PAL?!!
Man 1: Sorry. He was just all over me.
Man 2: Apologies, pal. I get a little hot tempered. He’s my pooch. (teaching) You see when you’re rich you always got to be on guard, anybody can take what you got.
Man 1: Ironically, you must be kind of envious of those of us who have nothing.
Man 2: Nah. That’s bullshit. I love my things.
Man 1: What do you do for a living?
Man 2: Nothing, I’m rich. I just ride around in cabs with my dog. I like to share cabs. We like to share cabs. It’s the safest way for him to meet people.
Man 1: How long have you had him?
Man 2: I actually stole him off the street a couple weeks ago,
Man 1: That’s really awful. His owner probably misses him.
Man 2: I’m his owner, pal. Besides, he’s a great dog. Settle down pooch.
Man 1: That’s really too bad that you did that.
Man 2: Pal, he was there with his leash around a tree. I had to take him. He was beautiful and I am rich.
Man 1: Couldn’t you have bought a dog?
Man 2: Pay for a life? Pal, just because I’m rich don’t take that to mean that I think everything has a price. If I had paid for this guy I would have put a price on companionship. I can’t do that. It’s not me.
Man 1: Do you ever think of the people you took the dog from?
Man 2: Yeah, when they pressed charges.
Man 1: What happened?
Man 2: I got an expensive lawyer to scare the shit out of them. HAHAHA!
Man 1: Oh.
Man 2: This is me.
Man 1: Oh, well, why don’t you pay—
Man 2: No, this isn’t my stop. This is me. Riding around in cabs with my dog. I was just at peace with my existence and declaring so to the universe. Why are you dregs always begging me for cash? If God wanted you to have money he would have made sure you were born into a rich family. Like me. Settle down, pooch.
Man 1: Well.
Man 2: This is my stop.
Exits.
Man 1: Wait, where’s my money?
Man 2: Oh come on, be a pal.
Man 1: What! Come on man!
Man 2: Here’s five bucks, go buy a Starbucks!
Man 1: You owe me at least ten.
Man 2: Settle down, pooch. Beat it pal. Write a poem. HAHAHA!
Here’s the first draft of “The Night Devil: Evil-9, Episode 2.” It’s part of my “audio comic” line of projects mixing elements of radio drama, music, and still images. I produce this episode using Garageband for all the audio as well as iMovie for putting together the still images. Check it out!
“And on the third day Jesus rose again, and checked his Tivo to make sure he had not missed any new episodes of Cash Cab or Dating in the Dark. He then topped up his Virgin Mobile pay as you go phone and ascended into heaven.”
“And the last supper was delayed for Dominoes had failed to deliver within the promised thirty minutes. Jesus’s disciple Simon-Peter then called the parlor of pizza to inquire upon the hold-up. After which Jesus threw up his arms and walked to the bodega in search of Ellio’s Frozen Pizzas. The son of god returned and said take, heat for thirty minutes, this the frozen bread of my bodega. Do this in rememberance of my trip down the street. Two hours passed until Dominoes appeared with free breadsticks. And the tips were very low.”
“On the seventh day God rested until we was awoken by his cat at 5 am who demanded to be fed. God then shushed the beast, yet it still cried. Refusing to succumb to the small animal’s manipulations, the Lord half-slept for three more hours, and upon waking pondered posting an ad on Craigslist for someone to take the nocturnal feline off the Lord’s hands.”
I’m always having trouble with the thumbnails in iPhoto–I have loads of photos that are no longer on my computer but are still in my iPhoto thumbnail gallery.
I found the way to have iPhoto rebuild your thumbnail gallery if while iPhoto starts up hit command (or the apple key) and “option” at the same time.
The bus ride was long, but the other debtmates and I were getting a good deal on the mileage with a single digit interest rate which wouldn;t compound with our intitial debts. Anytime that happened, it was cause for celebration.
The 200 passenger bus was abuzz.
“What are you going to do when you’re all paid off?” A 19 year old red haired kid asked with a faint southern drawl.
“I’m going to start over. You know, the American dream,” a middle aged woman replied.
“I’m going to see if I can get a mortgage,” a guy behind me responded.
“I’m going to just enjoy not paying my bills,” I said. There was a brief eruption of playful laughter that immediately stopped. Upon entering the bus, we were told that if the decibels reached a certain level on the bus, all passengers would be hit with a conversational surcharge of $200 to be added to our debts. There was a meter by everyone’s seat that had just lit up after the laughter.
We were 160 miles from the Citisamex North America Zone 6 Repayment Camp. There we’d be taking advantage of the oppurtunity to pay off our various debts. Instead of garnishing our wages over a five or ten year period, the credit companies now allowed us to work 50-80 hour weeks where our entire wages (after room and board fees were deducted) went to paying off enough of our balance to reduce our minimum payments to an affordable level.
Some of us would be at the repayment camps for six months, some would even be there for a couple years. A lot of us didn’t even know how long we’d be there. The collections agent told me that I wouldn’t need to be there longer than 8 months, but I was skeptical.
The unpaid balances we take with us into the camp still are subject to compound interest while in the camp. Also one’s APR can be raised anytime after three months of camp residence. My Uncle Ray, went into a camp only expecting to be there three months and ended staying a whole year. They get you with those adjustable interest rates.
The barely college age girl next to me was reading a Napoleon Hill book. I had brought along a couple novels but when we entered the bus we were told that passengers who read would be subject to an $80/hour literary licensing fee to be added to our debt. I figured if I was going to get out of debt camp anytime soon, I couldn’t be spending my debt on things like reading.
I tried reading over the girl’s shoulder.
“Anymore of that funny business and I’ll ask you to pay half of my literary license,” she shot at me. Napoleon Hill was teaching her well.
After a few hours, the bus pulled into the Repayment Center’s Intake Lot. We all shuffled out of the van. One man had to use the handicap exit on the bus. A few of us groaned as we all knew that would cost the poor guy $320 of debt to work off.
We all formed a long line to pass through a revolving door in the middle of a chain linked fence. A team of Repayment Center guards walked up the line, handing everyone bracelets. I noticed the guards were also wearing the bracelets. It hadn’t occurred to me that the staff of the Repayment Center were also working off their bills.
“Who isn’t in debt here?” I asked as a female guard handed me a bracelet.
The guard wasn’t amused. And neither was I. Debt Camp, I thought, was going to be full of people who were just out to pay off their own debts… In other words, a bunch of grumpy cash-holes.
This past weekend my girlfriend Carrie and I went camping on Fire Island at Watch Hill. There were pros and cons and lots of mosquitoes but all in all it was a beautiful spot that was easy to access from New York City without a car. Would I do it again? Sure—but in May or October when the mosquitoes are supposedly on vacation because in July/August they were taking full advantage of the all you can eat buffet. My new nickname on the streets is “Ole Bumps” for the plethora of dermatological dunes that now pepper the beautiful and diverse topography of my body thanks to grand designs of El Mosquito.
Would you have this man prepare your food? Ole Bumps?
Getting a permit:
Getting a permit for a campsite is wicked easy. You just go to the Watch Hill website, print out an application, then mail a check along with your completed form three weeks in advance from when you’re interested in camping. It’s $20 a night with a minimum of two nights.
There’s also an option for a Wilderness Camping Permit which is different than a Watch Hill campground permit. A couple of Wilderness campers told us that all they had to do was walk down the beach around a mile and after they passed a certain point they could camp on the beach. This sounded pretty cool. Although the wilderness campers told us that there were still mosquitoes on the beach, I bet they weren’t as bad as the campsites which were behind the dunes and surrounded by dark and wet vegetation. You have to hike into the main camping area for water and a freezing cold shower, but where else can you camp on a beach (and not need a car to get there).
Note: I had reserved three nights with my application and my permit was only for two nights. I emailed ahead and they said that this was a clerical error but they still had me down for two nights when I arrived. They corrected the issue pretty quickly with no fuss, but if the same thing happens to you, just shoot them an email and mention it when you check in.
Getting there without a Car:
THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD
Ole Bumps on the LIRR.
To get to Watch Hill you have to take the LIRR to Patchogue then hop on a ferry to Watch Hill. When I did my homework the ferry times seemed to match up pretty close with the train arrival times. This made me a little nervous because the walk to the Watch Hill Ferry is around five-ten minutes and you have to know where you’re going. Note; The Davis Park Ferry is also close to the Patchogue station but is not the same ferry and is farther away.
I noticed that the MTA offers “Beach Packages” to Watch Hill that give you round trip train and ferry tickets for $26. It looked like a good deal. But at the bottom of the ad I read that the “Beach Packages” are for “same day use only.” This disclaimer pissed me off. Why? Who goes there for just one day? After a couple trips to the LIRR windows at Penn Station and finally finding a window attendant who didn’t mind a couple questions, I was told to “try it.” The nice attendant said she “thinks” the Ferry would still honor the one day pass if I used it on a different day. The Ferry’s owned by a non-MTA private company.
The tricky part of the train ride was figuring out what track we were departing from which was (per usual) posted in a few scant exciting minutes before its departure. Note: As you bolt down the packed staircase with your 60 pound backpack, don’t run into the “bar” at the bottom of the stars. A 50 year old man wearing a moustache and shorts sells beers on the train platform, strategically located at the foot of the stairs. If you’re interested in purchasing from this establishment I recommend yelling your drink order at the top of the stairs, throw your money at the bartender from the middle of the stairs, spilling your drink at the bottom of the stairs as you grab it, then leave your tip by the train door as your squeeze on board. It didn’t look like people had time to belly up as they made a mad dash, nor do I think consuming drinks is permitted by the MTA, but I still saw masses of men with brown bags on the LIRR, happy to be done with the day.
The two and a half hour LIRR ride to Patchogue was easy. There was one change: at Babylon to Patchogue. Other than that the train ride was stress free, except for the fact that a poor soul had perished on the tracks a couple trains ahead of us, or as the conductors announced “we are experiencing a train delay due to an unauthorized individual on the tracks.” As the train rolled by the crime scene the man behind me, sipping his brown bagged Budweiser announced that it “happens all the time.” When asked if he thought the victim jumped or was pushed he offered this consolation: “Don’t matter. He’s dead.”
Note: There are bathrooms on the LIRR trains. Sometimes you have to cross the cars to get one, and after seeing a train fatality like I did, you might use some extra caution. Use your feet to help push the door open and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you must cross cars.
THE WATCH HILL FERRY
The view from the ferry before we were pummeled by waves. See that guy in the orange shirt? We went to the same college. Small world.
The Watch Hill Ferry is pretty close to the Patchogue train station. Make sure to study a map before your trip. Basically you walk West on Division Street then South on West Ave. You’ll notice a big sign that says “FIRE ISLAND NATIONAL SEASHORE,” from that sign you should see the ferry or at least the little ticket booth. We had the advantage of following another frantic couple who were ahead of us.
Our train cut it real close to the Ferry’s departure time so we had to run as fast as we could with our obese luggage. It was cool because it was one of the few times I ran to catch something and succeeded. It was also kind of sad because I think they were waiting for us and running wasn’t necessary.
Remember how I bought the “same day beach package” from the LIRR and the woman told me to “try it” for a multiple day trip? The ferry attendant informed me there was a $4 surcharge for using the same day ferry pass for a multiple day trip. Still a good deal, but it would have been nice for someone to know that at Penn Station.
The ferry ride was awesome. You have the option of riding on top or on the bottom (Humor Note 1: O.K., if you were hoping this Fire Island travelogue would contain a gay joke you might be able to squeeze one out of this sentence but it wasn’t intended). If you ride on top you’re going to get wet (see Humor Note 1) so you might want to stow some of your items on the bottom level. After thirty minutes of riding the ocean, huzzah!, you are at the Watch Hill Marina.
If you lose your return ticket or you try to use a same day ticket for a multiple day trip they charge you upon exiting the ferry in Patchogue so you don’t have to do any business while in Watch Hill.
The Campsite:
The Men’s Cold Showers. Pull the handle and soak yourself in a cleansing spray of freezing water. I could only stay under until all the oxygen left my chest cavity.
After you disembark the ferry, you will be yelled at (by a nice man) to check in at the store. Since there is only one store you’ll find it pretty easily. From the store you walk around a quarter mile past the (cold) showers and bathrooms to the campsites, where you’re allowed to pick your site. If site number 1 is free, take it. I can’t speak from experience but it looked like it might have been the best site in regards to mosquitoes. If site 1 isn’t free, pick a site on the side of the boardwalk closest to the beach. I heard these sites have less mosquitoes than the other side closer to the marina. Also, find a site that isn’t surrounded by vegetation. I think the mosquitoes live in the bushes. All the sites have some sort of vegetation, so I would just try to position your tent as far away from it as possible, with the back to any bushes and the front to wide open space.
Wrapping the top of the grill with aluminum foil protected the grill from rain and turned it into an unwrapped birthday present.
Each campsite is equipped with a grill and a picnic bench. If it rains, we found that wrapping some aluminum foil on top of the grill saved the day.
I’m no grill master, but here’s what I learned: really soak the charcoal with lighter fluid. Wait a minute, then light the soaked charcoals. You will see some flames. The flames might die out but you still might see smoke, that means it’s working! Gather small dry sticks and pieces of wood. Place this kindling in the grill. Stoke the coals and the kindling. The flames should return. You’ll have to keep stoking the grill as the flames will dissipate but the coals will still be burning and hot enough to cook your campsite supper.
Along the Watch Hill Campsite Board Walk you might be able to spot wild blueberries and blackberries to supplement your meals.
Gear:
I think I over packed. Things I packed that I wish I didn’t:
More than 1 book
Large notebook – if you’re a writer bring a small one, and if there’s someway of waterproofing it, do it!
Too many clothes
Too much food – Do what I didn’t do and plan your menu with the intention of having at least one meal at the snack bar or restaurant–you know you’re going to give in.
Colander – I thought I was going to be washing food all the time, unnecessary.
Things I found in the campsite trash that were very useful:
Lighter Fluid
Charcoal
Citronella Candle
A good comb has its place in the dune wilderness of Watch Hill, such as across the tangled limp forest atop Ole Bumps
Things I packed that were useful:
Tent that can withstand the Rain – I hear all tents will get wet, but look for a tent that’s completely covered and won’t get a wet bottom (see Humor Note 1). Our tent got wet but it was from rain that was running off the tarp we tied above it.
Tarp – to tie above tent for the rain. Don’t tie the tarp to the tent, tie it to branches or posts surrounding the tent, otherwise the runoff might get water into your tent, like it did with us.
Shower Curtain Liner – to serve as a tarp underneath the tent in case of rain (you don’t want the wet ground soaking the bottom of your tent).
String – to tie down tarp
Sleeping Bag
Pillow
Head Lamp
Flash Light
30% Deet Bug Spray
Sunscreen – at least 15 SPF
Grille Skewer, Tongs, etc.
Metal Bowls for all purpose eating – don’t bring kitchen plates, too heavy.
Bathing Suite
Soap
Toothpaste
Contact Solution & case
Eyeglasses
Old Running Sneakers – grab some footwear that’s comfortable, slightly rugged, and you don’t mind getting overrun with sand and wear,
1 long sleeve fleece – It can get cold at night even in summer.
1 Pair of socks
2 Pair of underwear (I just wore my salvation army bathing suit the whole time)
2 Water bottles: 1 for drinking, 1 for all purpose water (hand washing, etc.) to keep at the site
Hand Sanitizer
Wipes
Sunglasses
Metal Pot
Don’t that look tasty! Indian food packages and bagged minute race cook in metal pot next potatoes wrapped in foil, a husk of corn, and various vegetables. Remember to take the labels off of vegetables.
Useful Food:
Potatoes – to cook on the grill, chop them up and wrap them in aluminum foil, when one side seems cooked, flip it over.
Corn – roast on the grill in the husk, make sure to flip over
Peppers – tasty when roasted on grille.
Those Indian Food Packets that you put in boiling water – you know the ones
Bagged Minute Rice – comes in bags that you place in a boiling pot, don’t need to measure water, can cook at the same time as the Indian Food packets
Peanut Butter
Jelly
2 Cans of Tuna Fish
Packets of Mayonnaise
Bread – Sliced Multigrain & Baguette
Homemade Trailmix – Buy a bag of chocolate chips and a bag of mixed nuts (I found the cheapest ones at Whole Foods) mix them together in little sandwich bags and keep
Things I Wished I Packed:
A Camping Mosquito Net Gazebo Type Thing*
Mosquito Netting for heads when walking around the campsite*
“Yard Guard” to keep mosquitoes away*
Wide Brimmed Hat
An immunity to cold showers
A mosquito repellant from the future (i.e., one that actually works)*
Mosquito Bite Desensitizer – such as Afterbite (available in the store, if it doesn’t sell out), Bactine, or maybe even a sunburn treatment like Solarcane would work.
Avon’s Skin So Soft – my mom swears it repels mosquitoes.
*A note on the mosquitoes: They’re bad at Watch Hill. They seem to be the worst around dusk and dawn, but even after that, they’re around. They’re not everywhere all the time. There were a few breaks. And if you’re going to the beach for the day and not camping, you might not see them at all, But they’re certainly at the campsites. Sometimes they swarm in tiny little obnoxious clouds. The Marina seems to be the safest place* as well as the wide open spaces. Some folks have a higher sensitivity to the bites than others. Even if you don’t mind the bumps the swarming around the face and screaming in your ears isn’t pleasant.
The campground host, Carmen, told us the Mosquitos are pretty much gone in May and October. She also said they come in “clouds” in September. Stay away,
*The leftist revolutionary in me is skeptical of this coincidence for the marina is full of people with expensive boats. Why should they be free of suffering the mosquitoes while the $20 a night campers huddle in misery, swatting away?
Things to Do:
Enjoy Doing Nothing – Stick it the world. How often are we told what to do, when to do it, and to do it better? When you’re camping you’re away from all those bogus screaming voices and can just enjoy the day. Leave your watch at the campsite. Eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired, wake up when you’re ready for the day. This is your time. And when you return to whence ye came, look the demons that tug your puppet strings square in the eye and tell them you get along fine without them.
The Beach – The Watch Hill Beach is beautiful and probably one of the less populated ones in the New York area. Bring your water bottle, umbrella, and re-apply sunscreen every hour or so–the sun is intense. There’s a life guard stationed for a portion of the beach. The waves are a little rocky but you can still have fun running into them and having the riptide whisk your bathing suit to the Bahamas. There’s a volleyball net already set up that looks like its first come, first serve. I also saw one person sea kayaking.
At night the Beach is virtually deserted and at its most beautiful. Bring your supper, walk the shore, gaze at the stars, or just stare at the moon reflected on the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a good way to deprogram our TV/Internet minds.
I heard one fellow camper tell some other folks that he had to leave because “It gets so dark, I can’t go to bed at 8!” He obviously didn’t check out the beach where he could have engaged with me in a lively discussion on the merits of a single payer healthcare system nor did he have a head lamp to read an exciting sci-fi paperback.
Nature Trail – There’s a board walk/nature trail that winds all around Watch Hill. During the day the mosquitoes weren’t too bad and it’s pretty with lots of bird sightings. Keep an eye out for the piping plover which is a protected species at Watch Hill. The park service offers a guided tour of the trail, but when we showed up we were the only ones and they told us they were understaffed because of a canoe tour that is also offered. But they have maps if you’re like us and want to check it out alone.
The Marina – The Marina has a snack bar, a restaurant, and tiki bar. The marina is also packed with weekend sailors. If you like sitcoms such as All in the Family, Family Guy, The Simpsons, or Cops, take a trip to the marina and watch the little shows each boating party puts on the dock. An example of some of the scenes you’ll witness:
BOB: Hey, Tom, Happy Anniversary. Twenty five years!
TOM: Hey, thanks.
BOB: Hey, Linda, if you murdered Bob instead of marrying him, you’d just be getting out about now. HAHAHAHAHA!
Dangers:
Mosquito bites – Even if you’re not as sensitive to them as others you might get so many that they become a problem. Bring some proper precautions such as netting, repellent, and bite treatment/pain relievers.
Sunburn – The sun is strong on the beach. I recommend reapplying heavy doses of sunscreen every hour. Make sure to treat areas that you might forget such as the neck, the ends of the legs, the top of the feet, and the back of the arms.
Dehydration – I didn’t drink as much water as I should and got a little dehydrated from the sun, the heat of the tent, and just being outside. Also remember, it’s easy to lose water in your sleep from sweating without even noticing it. Have a water bottle and remember to sip and refill it throughout the day. I’ve noticed with myself that symptoms of dehydration include the stubbornness of not wanting to drink water. Keep drinking water! A good method of judging how hydrated you are is by monitoring your urine. Unless you just took a multivitamin or something that affects your pee’s color, if you’re well hydrated your pee is clear and copious. If you’re dehydrated, your pee is limited and yellow.
Ticks – There are also ticks in the vegetation. Take the proper precautions. Roll your socks onto your pants and wear long sleeves. We noticed one trying to crawl into our tent when were setting it up. Ticks are another reason to keep your tent away from vegetation.
Highlights:
It felt like a faraway vacation getaway. I hardly thought about my city life. The hustle and the bustle were washed away by the constant roar of the ocean.
The beach, especially at night, was relaxing and a nice space to zone out or ponder pop-philosophies.
The birds were very sweet.
Cooking on the grill was lots of fun.
The ferry ride felt like riding the Cyclone on Coney Island.
Walking to the bathroom late at night. It doesn’t sound like fun, but it’s like a mini midnight nature walk and after a while you don’t even need a flashlight because your eyes adjust to the moonlit sky.
