Entries from May 2009 ↓

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President Obama is sitting at his desk, busily at work.  Vice-President Biden enters.

JOE: Hey, Barack.

BARACK: Hey, Joe.

JOE: Barack, let’s take Airforce 1 for a spin.

BARACK: No, Joe.

JOE: Come on, come on.  We’ve been cooped up in this hell hole all day.

BARACK: No, Joe.

JOE:  Barack. You work too much.  I work too much.  Let’s go for a spin.  What do you say, Barack?

BARACK:  No, Joe.

JOE:  Give me the keys.

BARACK:  No, Joe.  You’ve never flown a plane.

JOE:  Excuse me, Barack, I used to fly planes all the time when I was in the Navy.  Let a veteran enjoy the few remaining years he has.

BARACK:  No, Joe.  I’m about to have a conference call with the Prime Minister of China.

JOE: Pffffftttttt. Prime Minister of China?  What is he, your boss?

BARACK:  (Stares at Joe for a moment then tosses him the keys.) I have to be back by 3pm.

In Airforce 1.  Joe turns the ignition.

JOE: Oh Barack, Listen to that engine purr.  Just like those old Navy planes that I used to fly over Korea.

The jet engines of Airforce 1 are fully ignited.

BARACK:  Joe!  Wait a ‘sec!  You were never in the Navy!  Do you even–

ZOOM!  Airforce 1 takes off.

JOE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I got you, Barack.  I got you! Oh, Barack, that was rich.  ‘Give me the keys to Airforce 1, Barack. I used to fly planes in the Navy.’ I LOVE IT! HAHAHA! Oh, Lord. (Slaps hand on dashboard as he laughs.) HAHAHA! By the way Barack, please fasten your seatbelt, we are at a cruising altitude of 20,000 feet. HAHAHA! (Slaps dashboard.)

BARACK:  Joe!  Can you land this plane?

JOE:  (Slaps dashboard) I LOVE IT!  HAHAHAHAHA!  ‘Can you land this plane?’  Oh, Barack.  Oh, Barack.  HAHAHA!  I’ll try.  I’ll give it the old NAVY try! HAHAHAHA! (Slaps dashboard.)

BARACK:  Will you stop slapping the dashboard?  This isn’t a TV tray, Joe.  It’s the control panel of the most–Oh, Joe, we’re being trailed by F-16s.  Radio them for help.

JOE:  Nah!  Did you say you needed to speak to the Prime Minister of China?  Why not pay him a visit? HAHAHAHA!

BARACK:  Joe! I promise you, if you land the plane I will resign and you will be president!

JOE:  No, thanks, Barack!  I like flying this plane better.  I’d prefer to actually feel in control of something!  HAHAHAHA!  Just kidding, Barack you’re in control.  You’re in control.  Coming down for a landing, Mr. President.  Coming down for a landing.  I hope. HAHAHAHAHA!

It’s funny Friday. Check out these three from Amazon Women on the Moon. I remember seeing the movie posters plastered all over New York when I was 10 and wondering what this R-rated movie was about. Now, thanks to YouTube, I can finally find out:

Ed Begley, Jr.’s commitment to lunacy cracks me up. I like how the bar puts up with him.

I like Steve Guttenberg’s mumbling reactions when his date is reading his history.

And here’s some classic Joe Dolce:

What’s the deal, Lois? I believe the sign on the door says “POSITIVELY NO ADMITTANCE.” And my friend Superman, a couple words of advice: 1) If you don’t want someone to enter a room, use a lock and 2) It might be healthier to display your affection using some other method besides idolatry. I think it sets up an unhealthy precedent for the relationship.

Superman, come on, dude. Sure, Lois has gained some weight but don’t hide from her as if she’s some beast. You’re Superman. She’s already depressed and has a low self image (thanks to the ad copy on the comic book cover). Now, the toughest man on the planet, who fears nothing, is cowering around the corner because his girlfriend put on a few. How do you think that makes Lois feel? Probably like a monster. And she’s not, she’s the woman you love and she needs your support. Hasn’t she been by your side more than once? Come on.

That’s the deal, my man. You got scared up above when Lois gained a little weight and now she’s dropped a couple sizes. Of course, she’s going to find a new boyfriend. And it sounds like maybe this fellow’s “plug ugliness” is supplemented with a supportive personality with an eye for true beauty. You had it, Superman, but now you are a victim of your own SUPERficial tastes. It’s a real shame.

What the hell is going on here? Superman starts a fresh air fund and then Lois is kissing everyone to raise a little cash? And dear Justice League, I believe the sale of sexual acts is illegal in 49 states. Lois, you don’t have to do this for Superman. What about that nice wrestler? And back to the Justic League, what kind of friends are you? Couldn’t you have just given to the Fresh Air fund. You guys are loaded! Batman is millionaire, Green Arrow is a millionaire, and Aquaman is king of the damn sea! The warmth of charity isn’t good enough for your money, you need a couple cheap grabs with your pal’s girlfriend? Shame on all of you.

I got this idea today: Al Pacino, Job Counselor. I’m dealing with some allergy issues, which might help with the impression.

A couple weeks ago I was bored at work and thought it would be hilarious if Jeff Foxworthy instead of doing “You might be a redneck” jokes did “You might have a bad back” jokes. At the time, they sounded hilariously similar (to me).

Over the last year or so I’ve noticed that when I’m about to drift off to sleep I sometimes dwell in a state that’s not quite asleep yet not awake.  In this state I see very clear vivid images, dreams, or visions.  It’s almost as if the radio reciever that is my brain is tuning to a different frequency. The reality of these “visions” are very dreamlike–they don’t feel like premonitions.  Maybe they’re just figments of my imagination, processing the days events, or perhaps they’re signals from somewhere else (the future? parallel worlds?).  Or maybe the visions/dreams are a mixture of the two.  In any case, I thought I’d share in case someone could make sense of what I’m “seeing.” 

Here’s a list of a few that I remember.  Sometimes they are just pictures, sometimes they’re like movies.

The Visions!

The Statue of Liberty atop a pedestal of junkyard cars – In this one old lady liberty was on top of a pile of rusted out, broken down cars.  It was just an image but pretty clear.   I think it may have been an illustration.

Wartime Society-  I’ve had a couple dreams of a society–it feels like ours but not quite.  In this world, all of a sudden everyone I know joins a military force in the wake of some unspecified warlike act.  It felt like people changed overnight from thoughtful citizens to people who were easily blinded by government manipulation or wanted to join this “civil service” as a means of some personal satisfaction (a sense of duty or even using it for their own ends).  I remember feeling abandonned by the people around me because I saw no reason to join this military force but everyone else was.    In the dream whatever caused everyone else to join seemed phony or fake to me.   Maybe I’m reading too much into this one.   I remember the uniforms were dark blue, and reminded me of Battlestar Galactica uniforms.  It really seemd like not the standard military but a new “civillian force” that existed on top of people’s civillian lives.  I think people still had their jobs but would wear their uniform to them and the rank of the service would carry over into the workplace or something like that.

I had another “vision” in a similar world where there was a parade of the military through a town and some local track atheletes mocked the servicemen.   Despite the military culture of this society  it still seemed acceptable to criticize the armed forces in public.

Alien Research – I saw these labs which felt like they may have been underground.   The labs were very bright in some cases with metallic square tiled walls.  It looked like scientists were trying to manipulate a piece of a crashed alien saucer.  It was like a slab of metal.  It wasn’t very big but floated.  The scientists could get it to move but couldn’t control it or figure out how it worked.  I remembered I laughed during this one because of the sheer confusion and frustration of the scientists.  I felt they had sunk a lot of money into just making a floating piece of metal move a couple feet in the air.

In another part of the lab there was a huge piece of this metal.  It was wrapped like an ice cream cone, the base of the cone was maybe 20-30 feet in diameter. It layed on it’s side and  I got a look at the base of the cone which was the hollow end.  It looked like inside the cone was significantly bigger than the actual volume of the cone if you took it’s outside measurements.  It was almost as if space was distorted inside the cone, like some bizarre trick of calculus.  I thought this cone-wrapped piece of metal could be used as a craft.

Underground Storage – I saw what looked like part of an underground facility where there was an octagon shaped door to a chamber that contained lots of food in foil like packets.  The tunnels of the facility were white, like a pvc pipe.