Barack & Joe, “Self-Esteem”

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Comic Book Commentary: Superman and Lois

Secret Room

What’s the deal, Lois? I believe the sign on the door says “POSITIVELY NO ADMITTANCE.” And my friend Superman, a couple words of advice: 1) If you don’t want someone to enter a room, use a lock and 2) It might be healthier to display your affection using some other method besides idolatry. I think it sets up an unhealthy precedent for the relationship.

Obesity

Superman, come on, dude. Sure, Lois has gained some weight but don’t hide from her as if she’s some beast. You’re Superman. She’s already depressed and has a low self image (thanks to the ad copy on the comic book cover). Now, the toughest man on the planet, who fears nothing, is cowering around the corner because his girlfriend put on a few. How do you think that makes Lois feel? Probably like a monster. And she’s not, she’s the woman you love and she needs your support. Hasn’t she been by your side more than once? Come on.

Plug ugly
That’s the deal, my man. You got scared up above when Lois gained a little weight and now she’s dropped a couple sizes. Of course, she’s going to find a new boyfriend. And it sounds like maybe this fellow’s “plug ugliness” is supplemented with a supportive personality with an eye for true beauty. You had it, Superman, but now you are a victim of your own SUPERficial tastes. It’s a real shame.

Kisses

What the hell is going on here? Superman starts a fresh air fund and then Lois is kissing everyone to raise a little cash? And dear Justice League, I believe the sale of sexual acts is illegal in 49 states. Lois, you don’t have to do this for Superman. What about that nice wrestler? And back to the Justic League, what kind of friends are you? Couldn’t you have just given to the Fresh Air fund. You guys are loaded! Batman is millionaire, Green Arrow is a millionaire, and Aquaman is king of the damn sea! The warmth of charity isn’t good enough for your money, you need a couple cheap grabs with your pal’s girlfriend? Shame on all of you.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Laugh It Up, Superman


OK, Superman. We all know that Jimmy Olsen can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound. But it looks like he’s in a spot of trouble. Obviously, he’s too modest to ask for help, so he’s attempting to be resourceful. We all know the suitcase full of Halloween Adventure beards and moustaches will fail miserably but cut the kid some slack, Superman. Don’t stand there with that “Get a load of this crap” expression scrunched on your face. Of course, you could do a better job. And after Jimmy treated you a couple Comic Book Cover Commentaries ago, it’s understandable that you’d look for any excuse to get a couple chuckles at his expense. But come on, he’s just a kid.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Finally Superman Sticks Up for Himself


Superman, it’s a little harsh, but at least you’re sticking up for yourself and overcoming your fears about your secret identity.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Reading List

Note to self: read Moby Dick, Robinson Crusoe, and Treasure Island.

Comic Book Commentary: Batman, Something Ain’t Right with That Boy

My Respects to the Batman Family, but something’s wrong with that kid.

I know everyone goes through an awkward phase. But I would think that the son of Batman would be little more… like his father. And a word to the wise Mr. Batman, I think you should leave him at home when you’re off fighting the good fight, especially if you’re like Superman and treasure your secret identity.

Look at this kid, he’s just wandering around a crime scene telling everyone Batman’s business. I kind of feel bad for those crooks, setting themselves up for that tumble. It leads me to believe they might be on some kind of medication which dulls the senses.

At least have your kid comb the locks, Batman.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Superman Needs New Friends

This comic book cover really explodes the concept that Jimmy Olsen is Superman’s best friend. If they are friends, I fear Superman might have a codependency problem. Look at how Superman’s best friend is treating him. Right off the bat is Jimmy’s exposing Superman’s Identity with a big clunky camera. And check it out, he makes sure the flash is around 6 inches from poor Superman’s face. But that’s not enough for Superman’s pal, he’s got a full day of activities planned for his best friend. Next he turns Superman into a devil with the “helmet of hate.” Jimmy, why are you wearing the Helmet of Hate to begin with? Moving right along Jimmy puts the Helmet aside and launches an attack on Superman with some Giant Ants. Now, I enjoy practical jokes on my friends that give them a good scare. But come on, Jim. You’re using giant ants from the dude’s planet that blew up when he was baby. That’s a little much. And there’s more. After the all the fun with the ants, little Jimmy Olsen thinks it’d be fun to KO his best pal in a boxing match. And what does he do when he sees his pall laying on the floor unconscious, he lifts up his arm as if he has won something. Then I see how Jimmy Olsen has Superman helpless with the “Super-Brain of Jimmy Olsen.” I can only imagine what passive aggressive barbs young Mr. Olsen is capable of with his Super-Brain. I certainly hope Superman finds a new pal.

It looks like even Supergirl sees fit to stink up their friendship:

COME ON, Superman. Did your parents tell you that saying “I’ll never forgive you!” would get you out of a fight and hurt the feelings of bullies? I don’t think people who use their friends for personal gain with newspaper editors care about forgiveness.

Superman, let’s start taking care of ourselves and making friends with people we can trust to be good friends.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Action Comics #345


The above image of Action Comics #345 always makes me laugh. Clark Kent is clearly interrupted as he’s changing into Superman. The CBS Camera is rolling as Allen Funt opens the door. So Superman is in a lot of trouble. What does Superman say to smooth things over and protect the most important secret in the world? “Great Krypton! Allen Funt’s caught me switching into my Superman uniform!” Superman! What are you doing? Don’t say it aloud! Now the world has photographic proof AND a taped confession. You have fallen right into Funt’s clutches, Superman.

You could have just closed the door super fast, Superman, instead of blurting everything out.

Superman, if you were robbing a bankĀ  and the cops came on the scene would you stop and loudly say, “Oh my goodness the police have caught me, Superman, robbing a bank?”

And that tie. Come on, pal.

What I Wanted to Hear in Last Night’s Debate!

What I Wanted to Hear in Last Night's Debates

Congratulations Senator Biden, You’re in for an Exciting Ride!

They just might solve this one.

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