Comic Book Cover Commentary: Batman No. 97

First of all, no dogs should be allowed on the chemistry table. Heaven forbid if Bat-Hound were to knock over some acid or something. The last thing we need is a Bat-Hound-Two-Face running around. Secondly does the poor dog need a mask? I think his identity is safe. Thirdly, someone please teach Robin how to measure fluids. How can he possibly be keeping an eye on the middle of the meniscus? However, fourthly, I really like the name ‘Bat-Hound.’

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Batman No.28

Boom! Batman has no tolerance for the bald. Oh, and please support the Red Cross; Batman has too many bald guys to pop in the trap to be any use to the cause. Oh and Bruce, Robin’s hand is raised, I think he has a question about your brute tactics.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Batman No. 39

This is why Batman and Robin can never enjoy a day off:

And come on Batman, you adopted Robin, make him put on a pair of pants when it snows.

Also, it almost looks like Batman made Robin stand back so he could show off some crazy ice skating trick. Don’t you have enough of the spotlight, Bruce?

Other than that, it’s nice to see the dynamic duo making the most of the weather.

Comic Book Commentary: Super Friends

First, The Wild Hunstman, the guy swinging the axe, is going straight for the crotch.  Maybe he’s more of a problem than The Conqueror.  Second, I guess Aquaman’s sitting this one out.   Anybody got a magazine he can read?  In fact, the whole bottom third of the cover should be an After School Special.

Seraph looks cool.

It pains me that a million years from now, we won’t have a cure for excema.  When I was 14, I had that same forehead rash with which Futurio-XX is stricken.  I remember it flaked a lot and was not only uncomfortable, but unsightly.  I can still hear the whispers of that short kid on the North Quincy High hockey team and his girlfriend making fun of me during European History I.  I think I was the only thing they had to talk about.  I wonder if they got married and divorced and the reason for divorce they gave was that they just couldn’t talk about my flakey forehead rash anymore. 

I hope Wonder Woman is knitting Robin some pants. 

I hope Aquaman gets over himself.

I hope Superman one day can afford his own comic books.

I hope the man with the Big F and pretty eyes makes an appointment next time.  Perhaps his Lotus Notes Meeting Maker is the cause of this misunderstanding.  That thing never works.  Just schedule everything as appointments and call to confirm.

Why does Professor Nichols look he’s just been “blessed by the Lord?”  Gorilla-lujah! 

I wonder if the Professor is related to the same Nichols who was in my Michael Howard Studios Summer Conservatory acting classes.  We all did so much crying that summer.  Something which became a summer tradition when I decided to pursue acting as a career. 

“Do something, Superman?”  Do something, Aquaman.  You lazy ass.  It’s an ocean monster.  For once, something’s compatible with your resume.

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Comic Book Commentary: Superman and Lois

Secret Room

What’s the deal, Lois? I believe the sign on the door says “POSITIVELY NO ADMITTANCE.” And my friend Superman, a couple words of advice: 1) If you don’t want someone to enter a room, use a lock and 2) It might be healthier to display your affection using some other method besides idolatry. I think it sets up an unhealthy precedent for the relationship.


Superman, come on, dude. Sure, Lois has gained some weight but don’t hide from her as if she’s some beast. You’re Superman. She’s already depressed and has a low self image (thanks to the ad copy on the comic book cover). Now, the toughest man on the planet, who fears nothing, is cowering around the corner because his girlfriend put on a few. How do you think that makes Lois feel? Probably like a monster. And she’s not, she’s the woman you love and she needs your support. Hasn’t she been by your side more than once? Come on.

Plug ugly
That’s the deal, my man. You got scared up above when Lois gained a little weight and now she’s dropped a couple sizes. Of course, she’s going to find a new boyfriend. And it sounds like maybe this fellow’s “plug ugliness” is supplemented with a supportive personality with an eye for true beauty. You had it, Superman, but now you are a victim of your own SUPERficial tastes. It’s a real shame.


What the hell is going on here? Superman starts a fresh air fund and then Lois is kissing everyone to raise a little cash? And dear Justice League, I believe the sale of sexual acts is illegal in 49 states. Lois, you don’t have to do this for Superman. What about that nice wrestler? And back to the Justic League, what kind of friends are you? Couldn’t you have just given to the Fresh Air fund. You guys are loaded! Batman is millionaire, Green Arrow is a millionaire, and Aquaman is king of the damn sea! The warmth of charity isn’t good enough for your money, you need a couple cheap grabs with your pal’s girlfriend? Shame on all of you.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Laugh It Up, Superman

OK, Superman. We all know that Jimmy Olsen can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound. But it looks like he’s in a spot of trouble. Obviously, he’s too modest to ask for help, so he’s attempting to be resourceful. We all know the suitcase full of Halloween Adventure beards and moustaches will fail miserably but cut the kid some slack, Superman. Don’t stand there with that “Get a load of this crap” expression scrunched on your face. Of course, you could do a better job. And after Jimmy treated you a couple Comic Book Cover Commentaries ago, it’s understandable that you’d look for any excuse to get a couple chuckles at his expense. But come on, he’s just a kid.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Finally Superman Sticks Up for Himself

Superman, it’s a little harsh, but at least you’re sticking up for yourself and overcoming your fears about your secret identity.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Reading List

Note to self: read Moby Dick, Robinson Crusoe, and Treasure Island.

Comic Book Commentary: Batman, Something Ain’t Right with That Boy

My Respects to the Batman Family, but something’s wrong with that kid.

I know everyone goes through an awkward phase. But I would think that the son of Batman would be little more… like his father. And a word to the wise Mr. Batman, I think you should leave him at home when you’re off fighting the good fight, especially if you’re like Superman and treasure your secret identity.

Look at this kid, he’s just wandering around a crime scene telling everyone Batman’s business. I kind of feel bad for those crooks, setting themselves up for that tumble. It leads me to believe they might be on some kind of medication which dulls the senses.

At least have your kid comb the locks, Batman.

Comic Book Cover Commentary: Superman Needs New Friends

This comic book cover really explodes the concept that Jimmy Olsen is Superman’s best friend. If they are friends, I fear Superman might have a codependency problem. Look at how Superman’s best friend is treating him. Right off the bat is Jimmy’s exposing Superman’s Identity with a big clunky camera. And check it out, he makes sure the flash is around 6 inches from poor Superman’s face. But that’s not enough for Superman’s pal, he’s got a full day of activities planned for his best friend. Next he turns Superman into a devil with the “helmet of hate.” Jimmy, why are you wearing the Helmet of Hate to begin with? Moving right along Jimmy puts the Helmet aside and launches an attack on Superman with some Giant Ants. Now, I enjoy practical jokes on my friends that give them a good scare. But come on, Jim. You’re using giant ants from the dude’s planet that blew up when he was baby. That’s a little much. And there’s more. After the all the fun with the ants, little Jimmy Olsen thinks it’d be fun to KO his best pal in a boxing match. And what does he do when he sees his pall laying on the floor unconscious, he lifts up his arm as if he has won something. Then I see how Jimmy Olsen has Superman helpless with the “Super-Brain of Jimmy Olsen.” I can only imagine what passive aggressive barbs young Mr. Olsen is capable of with his Super-Brain. I certainly hope Superman finds a new pal.

It looks like even Supergirl sees fit to stink up their friendship:

COME ON, Superman. Did your parents tell you that saying “I’ll never forgive you!” would get you out of a fight and hurt the feelings of bullies? I don’t think people who use their friends for personal gain with newspaper editors care about forgiveness.

Superman, let’s start taking care of ourselves and making friends with people we can trust to be good friends.

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