Entries Tagged 'Uncategorized' ↓

Take that, Master of Magneticism. Performed at the SuperEgo Open Mic at New York Comedy Club.

Thanks to Marvin8723 of YouTube…

I remember watching this when I was a kid. It has everyone! I think it aired on ABC in 1991. I like the scene with Dustin Hoffman and Robin Williams in part 5.

Jesus Horror Movie

by Jeremiah Murphy

Black. Sound effect of handcuffs.

NARRATOR:
Arrested, convicted and sentenced to death, Jesus of Nazareth experienced the monstrous cruelty of humanity first hand.

Black and white shots of Jesus being convicted by Pontius Pilate and crucified on the cross. Throngs of people denounce Jesus.

THE MASSES:
Crucify him! Crucify him!

NARRATOR:
After his death, he arose to Heaven, promising to one day return, perhaps to a time when he’d be welcome in the land of mortals.

Black and white shot of Jesus ascending into Heaven. Underneath him, the masses jeer and boo him. We see a “I can’t wait to get out of here” look on Jesus’s face.

Cut to black.

NARRATOR:
Two thousand years passed. Jesus felt out of touch and wanted to visit the Earth, curious to see what effects his teachings and followers had on the world. Hoping that his past crimes might be forgotten… he finally returned.

Night shot of Jesus landing on a grassy field, Superman style. He walks for a little while, enjoying the earthly delights. Then he comes across a Cross.

We see flashbacks of Jesus on the cross. Cruelty! Horror! Pain!

Jesus runs away, perhaps to the tune of Planet of the Apes style bongo music. He finds refuge in a Church. He runs in.

Crosses everywhere Jesus turns! In the center of the Church is a beautiful hand sculpted Crucifix, portraying Jesus nailed to the cross in frightening detail!

Jesus SHRIEKS!

JESUS:
I gotta get out of here!

Everyone in the Church recognizes Jesus and points at him.

JESUS:
They’re still after me!

Jesus backs away to the door. The people of the Church start to follow him. He notices that everyone in some fashion is wearing a cross.

JESUS:
Come on, all I did was flip over some tables in a temple, teach people to love… Let’s put the crosses away, OK? What do you want from me, more fish?

Jesus busts out the door, running across the field as the congregation of worshipers follows, like a Romero Zombie film.

Cut to title: SECOND COMING.

NARRATOR:
He never thought Judgement Day would be about him.

Shit Whitman is an anchor for THE NEWS

SHIT WHITMAN:
Thank you for staying with us. Our next story is a tough one. Cruel and Unusual: PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have come out with a new campaign against offices. They claim that people, technically animals, are forced into tiny cubicles all day and made to stare at a bright screen, developing health and mental complications, such as diabetes and a love of celebrity gossip. PETA is calling for offices to be closed and for people to be allowed to roam free.

With us now is Slate.com or Salon.com contributor Mel Mullins. Good evening Mel.

MEL:
Shit.

SHIT WHITMAN:
Now, Mel. are you with Salon.com or Slate.com?

MEL:
I have no idea. I can’t tell them apart. I don’t which one publishes my articles. But to be safe let’s just mention both.

SHIT WHITMAN:
Deal. Mel, what’s the word with this latest outrageous campaign from the subversive fringe group PETA. First they mess with our cosmetics testing, now their putting their anemic vegan noses in our offices?

MEL:
Well, Shit, to be honest this is a bad time.

SHIT WHITMAN:
With the economy, condemning the American work place is the last thing we need in this period of financial tumult.

MEL:
No, this isn’t a bad time for the economy. It’s a bad time for me. I was on the phone with my Mom. It’s long distance. Now if you’ll excuse me. (to Mom) He said what? He didn’t mean it? Oh you know, wait a day.

SHIT WHITMAN:
Thank you Mel Mullins of Salon.com or Slate.com. That’s our in-depth story of the night. Moving along to this weekend’s movies…

A man hails a cab and enters the backseat.

Man: 127th and St. Nicholas please.

Man 2 sticks his head in the window.

Man 2: Hey, pal, you going uptown?

Man 1: Ye—

Man 2: Great, mind if we share this cab? I’m heading that way too, save us both some cash.

Man 1: Well—

Man 2: Fantastic. Hold on.

Man 1: OK.

Man 2 opens the door. A great big dog enters the cab.

Man 2: Settle down, pooch. Settle down, pooch. We’ll be making two stops. Pooch, settle down. Wherever my pal’s going and 76th and Lexington.

Man 1: That’s not really on the way.

Man 2: Huh? It’s up. We’re both going up. This is my dog.

Man 1: I figured.

Man 2: He’s a little friendly. But don’t mind him, he won’t bite.

Man 1: He’s licking me.

Man 2: Oh, he loves that. You’re real good with dogs. You got a pet? Settle down, pooch.

Man 1: My apartment’s too small.

Man 2: This city! It’ll get you anyway it can. My place is huge. Nice townhouse. Settle down, pooch.

Man 1: How much rent do you pay?

Man 2: I bought the whole place back in ’98. A few million.

Man 1: Dot com money?

Man 2: Nah, rich family. You could say that I got lucky.

Man 1: I’ll say.

Man 2: I also deserve every penny. Hey pal, what do you do for a living?

Man 1: I’m an administrative assistant but I’m also a writer.

Man 2: Huh?

Man 1: Poetry. Are you a patron of the arts by any chance?

Man 2: Huh? Settle down, pooch.

The dog is overly aggressive with Man 1.

Man 1: Settle down, pooch.

Man 2: HEY! NOBOY TALKS TO MY DOG LIKE THAT, YOU HEAR, PAL?!!

Man 1: Sorry. He was just all over me.

Man 2: Apologies, pal. I get a little hot tempered. He’s my pooch. (teaching) You see when you’re rich you always got to be on guard, anybody can take what you got.

Man 1: Ironically, you must be kind of envious of those of us who have nothing.

Man 2: Nah. That’s bullshit. I love my things.

Man 1: What do you do for a living?

Man 2: Nothing, I’m rich. I just ride around in cabs with my dog. I like to share cabs. We like to share cabs. It’s the safest way for him to meet people.

Man 1: How long have you had him?

Man 2: I actually stole him off the street a couple weeks ago,

Man 1: That’s really awful. His owner probably misses him.

Man 2: I’m his owner, pal. Besides, he’s a great dog. Settle down pooch.

Man 1: That’s really too bad that you did that.

Man 2: Pal, he was there with his leash around a tree. I had to take him. He was beautiful and I am rich.

Man 1: Couldn’t you have bought a dog?

Man 2: Pay for a life? Pal, just because I’m rich don’t take that to mean that I think everything has a price. If I had paid for this guy I would have put a price on companionship. I can’t do that. It’s not me.

Man 1: Do you ever think of the people you took the dog from?

Man 2: Yeah, when they pressed charges.

Man 1: What happened?

Man 2: I got an expensive lawyer to scare the shit out of them. HAHAHA!

Man 1: Oh.

Man 2: This is me.

Man 1: Oh, well, why don’t you pay—

Man 2: No, this isn’t my stop. This is me. Riding around in cabs with my dog. I was just at peace with my existence and declaring so to the universe. Why are you dregs always begging me for cash? If God wanted you to have money he would have made sure you were born into a rich family. Like me. Settle down, pooch.

Man 1: Well.

Man 2: This is my stop.

Exits.

Man 1: Wait, where’s my money?

Man 2: Oh come on, be a pal.

Man 1: What! Come on man!

Man 2: Here’s five bucks, go buy a Starbucks!

Man 1: You owe me at least ten.

Man 2: Settle down, pooch. Beat it pal. Write a poem. HAHAHA!

Man 1: Hey!

Epilogue

Man 1: I have a great idea for a poem.

I’m always having trouble with the thumbnails in iPhoto–I have loads of photos that are no longer on my computer but are still in my iPhoto thumbnail gallery.

I found the way to have iPhoto rebuild your thumbnail gallery if while iPhoto starts up hit command (or the apple key) and “option” at the same time.

Thanks to this article at Silver Mac: http://www.silvermac.com/2006/rebuild-cache-iphoto06/

Earth, 2017

The bus ride was long, but the other debtmates and I were getting a good deal on the mileage with a single digit interest rate which wouldn;t compound with our intitial debts. Anytime that happened, it was cause for celebration.

The 200 passenger bus was abuzz.

“What are you going to do when you’re all paid off?” A 19 year old red haired kid asked with a faint southern drawl.

“I’m going to start over. You know, the American dream,” a middle aged woman replied.

“I’m going to see if I can get a mortgage,” a guy behind me responded.

“I’m going to just enjoy not paying my bills,” I said. There was a brief eruption of playful laughter that immediately stopped. Upon entering the bus, we were told that if the decibels reached a certain level on the bus, all passengers would be hit with a conversational surcharge of $200 to be added to our debts. There was a meter by everyone’s seat that had just lit up after the laughter.

We were 160 miles from the Citisamex North America Zone 6 Repayment Camp. There we’d be taking advantage of the oppurtunity to pay off our various debts. Instead of garnishing our wages over a five or ten year period, the credit companies now allowed us to work 50-80 hour weeks where our entire wages (after room and board fees were deducted) went to paying off enough of our balance to reduce our minimum payments to an affordable level.

Some of us would be at the repayment camps for six months, some would even be there for a couple years. A lot of us didn’t even know how long we’d be there. The collections agent told me that I wouldn’t need to be there longer than 8 months, but I was skeptical.

The unpaid balances we take with us into the camp still are subject to compound interest while in the camp. Also one’s APR can be raised anytime after three months of camp residence. My Uncle Ray, went into a camp only expecting to be there three months and ended staying a whole year. They get you with those adjustable interest rates.

The barely college age girl next to me was reading a Napoleon Hill book. I had brought along a couple novels but when we entered the bus we were told that passengers who read would be subject to an $80/hour literary licensing fee to be added to our debt. I figured if I was going to get out of debt camp anytime soon, I couldn’t be spending my debt on things like reading.

I tried reading over the girl’s shoulder.

“Anymore of that funny business and I’ll ask you to pay half of my literary license,” she shot at me. Napoleon Hill was teaching her well.

After a few hours, the bus pulled into the Repayment Center’s Intake Lot. We all shuffled out of the van. One man had to use the handicap exit on the bus. A few of us groaned as we all knew that would cost the poor guy $320 of debt to work off.

We all formed a long line to pass through a revolving door in the middle of a chain linked fence. A team of Repayment Center guards walked up the line, handing everyone bracelets. I noticed the guards were also wearing the bracelets. It hadn’t occurred to me that the staff of the Repayment Center were also working off their bills.

“Who isn’t in debt here?” I asked as a female guard handed me a bracelet.

The guard wasn’t amused.  And neither was I.  Debt Camp, I thought, was going to be full of people who were just out to pay off their own debts… In other words, a bunch of grumpy cash-holes.

2009

Check it out! I made this song on Garageband!